How to convince my girlfriend she does not need to go on pricey dates?

[ApatheticNoMore]

So if he had got married and had a family he didn't want the kids would have just had a dad that didn't want them. Lovely! I'm sure that would have worked out well. He should have been upfront with her about what he wanted and let her find someone else probably.

[Ultralight]

So if he had got married and had a family he didn't want the kids would have just had a dad that didn't want them. Lovely! I'm sure that would have worked out well. He should have been upfront with her about what he wanted and let her find someone else probably.

A lot of folks think that choosing to not have kids is the zenith of selfishness.

[rodeosweetheart]

"I brought up the future last weekend. The conversation did not go well..."
It's great that you are openly communicating about your relationship and what you both want! However it goes in the future with this relationship, you have been honest and open with each other, which is a great thing.

[dinah]

I haven't read all the replies very closely in this thread, so i'm sorry if this has been mentioned before...but could you not have a frank and honest discussion with your girlfriend about how money is tight for you and explain your situation? explain how you want to have dates twice a month but could there be some frugalness to them sometimes and could she come to you sometimes to save your transportation costs?

maybe instead of dinner and a movie it could be a picnic and a movie or dinner and a Netflix movie with popcorn at home and snuggling. a little of both. find some free (or very inexpensive) plays/festivals/events to go see.

[JaneV2.0]

I believe in marriage. I also believe that dating is a good way to find out if you are compatible with someone for marriage. If after a few dates there are incompatibility issues....why keep dating if you can't work through those issues? Heck, even after just 3 dates we felt our 6 month engagement was 3 months too long. The only thing that did was make the wedding bigger than we wanted.

For my uncle. He drug the dating out for 15 years. His wife had really wanted to be married and raise a family and they completely missed that opportunity. By the time they did get married he had health issues and having a family was not possible. I just found that very selfish.

I believe in individuality; it's a cliche' to say the world would be a very boring place if we all marched in lockstep. But it's true. My SO has been married; he has children. I haven't been married and never wanted them. We've been together well over 30 years. the arrangement works for us. I guess I wouldn't call it "dating." Maybe that's the confusion.

[Float On]

I believe in individuality

I agree with you. I don't think marriage is for everyone or having kids is for everyone. I had no intention of ever considering getting married before age 28 (I had my life planned out) so it was kind of surprising to turn 23 while on our honeymoon. Actually DH and I when we dated and were engaged neither of us wanted children. It wasn't until we'd been married 6 years that we changed our minds. Actually I'd started thinking about children at about year 5 but decided I'd keep my mouth shut and if DH ever brought it up we'd see if we'd both changed our minds. He did bring it up about 6 months later and then we talked about that change of direction for 6 months.
What you have does work for you because you both agreed to it. I would call it a relationship...not just dating. But dating is important in marriage too. Just yesterday we had a date for lunch and a walk around a lake we hadn't visited before about 30 minutes from us. DH paid this time, but sometimes I pay.
If DH died I don't think I would ever enter a marriage again. I would date, and I would enter a relationship, but I doubt I'd enter a marriage or even a live-in relationship. I really don't live well with others, I like my space and quiet and alone time.

[TVRodriguez]

I just don't see the point of of a couple dating 2 or 3 or 15 years (as in the case of an uncle of mine).

I have read this thread with interest, as DH & I appeared to have some similar issues when we dated. I hesitated to reply b/c it can sound pretty bad to some people, and I can sound at times stupid or greedy, but oh well, I don't really care what anyone thinks of it anymore, and I know that DH & I are solid.

1. DH and I dated for 3 years before getting engaged and married within the year after that. We broke up several times during the 3 years, partly b/c he was not interested in getting married again or in having children ever. I proposed to him in the first year or two, and he said, "No thanks. Nothing personal, just not doing that again." Instead of ending our relationship, I decided that he was the best person I knew, that I wanted to be with him, and figured it would end at some point b/c I knew I wanted kids. Instead, he came around to marriage and to kids. In fact, he had to propose a couple of times to convince me that he meant it.

2. DH was cheap. Not frugal--cheap. When we first started dating, he was making no money and I was earning plenty, so I paid for almost everything, no problem, including international mission trips that we both did. When he started making a little money, I'd get offended when he would spend it on crap or on futzing around on his Jeep and then tell me he couldn't afford anything that I wanted to do. I did make him take me out to dinner sometimes at that point--usually to an ethnic restaurant, nothing fancy. We broke up one time b/c he refused to spend money on a visit to see me (by then we lived a flight away from each other) after I'd spent money and vacation time visiting him more than once. He was earning some at that point. I needed to know that I was worth his time and his energy and his money. When he did show up, he brought an engagement ring. Before I accepted the ring, I got the stone changed--from a chip to a tiny stone. I made him pay for it.

3. I believe in marriage, and I believe in going "all in." When DH & I (finally) got married, I tackled his debt with our combined income, most of which was earned by me, as if it were OUR debt, because at that point it was. I was happy to eat rice & beans (kind of easy when you're hispanic) and spend very little and simply be together. There is a saying in Spanish, "Contigo, pan y cebollas." With you, bread and onions (is enough). I'm the one who has budgeted and invested and grown our net worth, not by my income alone (we've both had ups and downs with income) but by my work for our family as a single unit. DH doesn't know from budgeting or investing. He's a great DIYer and has saved us thousands in home repairs and improvements. We are a team.

UA, if I were your girlfriend, I'd think you care more about fishing than about me if that's where you're putting your money, your energy, and your time.

[iris lilies]

I am scared of getting snipped! There is a correlation with dementia and other auto-immune diseases. I am just hoping that birth control works until my gf goes menopausal.

What do you mean sad tale or two?

there were at least two vasectomies that the patients attribute to ongoing physical problems. I believe them.

[Float On]

and let her find someone else probably.

That is exactly what I thought my uncle should of done.

[ApatheticNoMore]

there were at least two vasectomies that the patients attribute to ongoing physical problems. I believe them.

Well all forms of both control (except pure barrier methods) have potential risks. This is something a woman accepts, that all the methods suck somewhat - pick your poison, because it's she who will be pregnant and btw pregnancy also carries a risk.