How to convince my girlfriend she does not need to go on pricey dates?

[freshstart]

I cant tell from the Rev.UL's description if this is dating still, but with all of his doubts about their conflicting values, this is not a committed relationship or at least he isn't comimited,,we don't know about her. And the problem with these kinds of half-in half-out relationships is that they take up all of your time, and you aren't free to find the person who is a match.

+2

[iris lilies]

Match.com should make a commercial with her in it! Many, many women on match.com are 37 and obsessed with their bio-clocks. I have been on second dates where women are naming our three kids that have to be born in the next three years!

Before I met one woman she said in the first online conversation: "I really want to be a mom. I am 40! This needs to happen soon."

I was still talking to her about which gourmet pizza place she wanted to go to on our first date. Then BLAM!

she did you a favor. not a match! Move on.

[Geila]

Take it easy! I am giving her the dates and changing my name on here from UltraliteAngler to UltraBrokeDater.

Oh, it's so big of you to "give" her the dates! As if the dates are such a hardship! Poor Guy . If you were my boyfriend, you would be changing your name to UltraSingleAngler! But that's just me, either you want to be with me, or you don't. I have no patience for fence-sitters or wishy-washy in that area.

[Ultralight]

she did you a favor. not a match! Move on.

I know. We ended up getting dinner and going to a bookstore just for fun because she was new in town.

In a way I felt bad for her... But the interesting thing is that all her friends and her 2 sisters were in the same boat! Educated, accomplished, good jobs -- no marriage or even prospects.

[freshstart]

I am scared of getting snipped! There is a correlation with dementia and other auto-immune diseases. I am just hoping that birth control works until my gf goes menopausal.

are you aware of how many "menopause" babies there are? Do not count on that. If I were that opposed to kids and to getting snipped, my plan would be condoms, spermicide and an IUD for her, lol

[Ultralight]

Oh, it's so big of you to "give" her the dates! As if the dates are such a hardship! Poor Guy . If you were my boyfriend, you would be changing your name to UltraSingleAngler! But that's just me, either you want to be with me, or you don't. I have no patience for fence-sitters or wishy-washy in that area.

I was being cynical. I apologize. I promise I am way more fun and not so severe at all in real life.

[TVRodriguez]

I know your question is sincere but I suspect a little snark behind it. That's ok, Im pretty snarky myself so I will 'splain to you:

The 40% who aren't married occupy the lowest rungs of socio- economic society. If one wishes to join those ranks with babies in tow, go for it. I think that's stupid and irresponsible, I don't value poverty, but hey, those are MY values.

And that's what we are talking about here, values.

While a woman CAN reproduce without a man's commitment to his children as expressed by a legalized marriage ceremony, I think this cheats children out of important things. There are lots of details to this idea but
I'm giving you the executive summary.

Your idea that women should just want what you think they should have is silly.

Turning this on you, why don't you live with your girlfriend in her big house with all of her stuff,and get used to pooling your money with her so that you both can buy more crap and rack up the credit card debt? you don't because: that's not what you value.

Many women value a commitment as represented by a legally recognized public joining. On another thread we are talking about the legally supported financial institutions of society, one of them spousal Social Scurity benefits, and that's one among many reasons to get hitched legally.

I recognize that for some people, commitment without marriage is what they value. That's fine. I just think that in the vast majority of cases where they bring children into the world, kids are best served by two committed parents with legal protections.

Similarly, I knew that I wanted kids but also knew that they are a lot of work and cost money, work and expenses that can most easily and efficiently be shared by two parents who live together and who have committed to staying together. That can be done without marriage, and of course there are many great kids who are raised in other circumstances. I know myself, however, and that's not what I wanted.

Why would you think this would make you sound stupid or greedy? It sounds to me like you knew what you wanted, you made conscious and well-thought out decisions, and you were clear about what was important to you. This sounds pretty great to me!

Every couple is going to have to navigate the ups and downs and compromises inherent in any relationship, but being direct and honest about who you are and what's important to you seems the best way be. Personally, I don't think 2 dates a month is unreasonable, if they are affordable to the people involved. If I was dating a guy who scoffed at that, I would see it as a sign that it was time for me to move on. At that point, he could decide if he valued spending time with me more than fishing several times a week, or not.

Thanks, and yes, I agree. As for sounding stupid, I fielded regular questions from some friends who asked me why I'd stay with someone who told me he didn't want to get married, that I was wasting my time. I also got flack for quitting my job (in a profession) to move 1300 miles, where I'd have to take another bar exam, when he could more easily have moved back to where we met. The day after our wedding, my brother kindly reminded me that there was still time for an annulment. I decided DH was worth it. On the greedy thing, well, heck, I made him pay more to "upgrade" my ring and spent $34,000 on a wedding.

Take it easy! I am giving her the dates and changing my name on here from UltraliteAngler to UltraBrokeDater.

UA, I have to give it up to you: you have taken a lot of heat over your positions here, and I give you a lot of credit for keeping your equanimity through it all. I can imagine that to be one of the reasons your girlfriend likes you!

[freshstart]

I don't think I would ever enter a marriage again. I would date, and I would enter a relationship, but I doubt I'd enter a marriage or even a live-in relationship. I really don't live well with others, I like my space and quiet and alone time.

I had minor relationships of several years, married 10 yrs, LTR 7 yrs (did not live together d/t kid logistics), IDK if it's because I have been unwell or age (45), no age can't be it, for some reason I just don't care. I don't feel like being wined and dined even by someone exactly my type, going to plays, museums, traveling, music, even physical closeness and I definitely do not want co-habitation. I have no idea if this is normal at 45, I suspect not, but I want none of it. It's probably that I just feel like crap and cannot begin to figure out how to get back out there when the odds are good for the eventual public faceplant. But shouldn't I be sad and upset that I cannot date now? I'm really not, it's so weird.

[rodeosweetheart]

Attraction only goes so far. The last guy I dated was a very devout Christian. Although we were greatly attracted to each other, it didn't work. He spent the entire time trying to convert me to his religion, which was very important to him. I had no interest in it, and although I loved being with him, often wished I was out riding my horse instead of hearing about Jesus all the time.

Unless it was John Lyons. . .

[freshstart]

And the friend said "that's great, you'll love being married!" and walked off. DH ran after him and said "Tell me more!". We ended up being in a newly wed small group that that man and his wife hosted. What a great experience....and no duplex (though sometimes we wished we'd gone that route).

love this!