Recovering hoarders?

[sylvia]

I think that they are starting to pick up cold shoulder undertones from me. I did explain to then what was my problem and why I feel what I do, So they are aware. Next whenever my mom complains about the hoard and having to move next year I suggest what my dad can do since he is the man of the house like get an auction company to appraise her things and that will bring her money. I am not offering to come down there anymore, I also dont want any of their stuff. They will have to deal with their own consequences. Yea thats easy to say we will just have to play it by ear.I wont be the good daughter anymore, just the daughter that lives far away like the rest of their friends have.It's something that just clicked in me, when my baby boy was born on my 40th birthday I felt complete and happy with this blessing and time to live my own life and its actually ok to be happy where you are not about when you get the house car and career etc.

[Ultralight]

It is very hard for me to understand my mom's hoarding. I just see "stuff" -- even my own stuff (perhaps especially my own stuff) and I feel it is unimportant or fairly easily substituted or just a tool.

She thinks all sorts of things are valuable or "worth something."


So for her and I to talk about anything related to stuff or materialism is just impossible.

[sylvia]

yea I can relate to that in my case I am an adult child of an alcoholic. We can discuss anything but "that". Recently "that" is causing her to forget our conversations and its almost like Alzheimer's is starting too. I always had a secret wish she would pick me instead of the bottle.

[Ultralight]

yea I can relate to that in my case I am an adult child of an alcoholic. We can discuss anything but "that". Recently "that" is causing her to forget our conversations and its almost like Alzheimer's is starting too. I always had a secret wish she would pick me instead of the bottle.

Doesn't it seem like picking you instead of the bottle is a "no-brainer?"

My sis and I feel this way about my mom and her hoard. To some degree we feel this was about my dad and his hoard too, but again, I really think my dad only hoards because my mom does it. Though I could be wrong.

My sis often laments along these lines: "I wish we just had a normal mom and dad, the kind you can have normal holidays with or who just looked and acted normal."

While this does not get at the heart of the issue it still makes a lot of sense as a lament.

For me I just cannot fathom how my mom cares more for her hoard than her kids or how the hoard is even in competition.

But I do have a few theories...

[freshstart]

((sylvia and UA))

I'll think I "get" my mom's hoard but in reality, I'm pissed because it has come between us and I never thought it would do that when she was rounding the last stretch. I thought time with us would be all she would want. But instead the perpetual anxiety about her hoard and the self-induced pressure to change 50 yrs worth of hoarding, now at her weakest when others must do it for her, well, I just hadn't counted on that still being an issue. That in dying she would transcend her worries about material things.

And we cannot talk about it without her immediately becoming angry and there being recriminations just like usual. Even when I am trying to talk differently about it than I did when she was well, coming at it from a different frame of mind. We say in hospice all the time, people usually die as they have lived. Yet I cannot accept that here. I want the Lifetime movie- hours spent just talking and reminiscing about the good old days, full of love, laughter and tears as I care for her. Not shrieked at by a harridan because I tidied a pile of paper falling over.

Last night, after I had helped her take her meds at 3am (she is OCD about meds, left to her own devices, she will spend an hour just to take one pill, many rituals), tucked her in and got her settled, I found out this morning, she got up and went down to the basement! I have no idea how the hell she managed this since getting to her own BR is a struggle and the two steps into the house take her forever. There are not enough lights down there and it feels to me like someone took what was semi-organized and threw it up in the air, letting it fall where it may. There are no longer safe pathways through the hoard. Last week, I tripped on a disgusting, huge, ancient carpet rolled up where the walkway was and I landed on a huge bag of loose lightbulbs. I amazingly did not get cut but what if that had been her? No one would hear her yelling for help. (she was pissed that the light bulbs are no longer, arghh.) Anyway, she had to find coffee cups and glasses because with my brother and his GF here, we had run out of room in the dishwasher for these items. Rather than letting us sensibly just wash what was left or break into the china cupboard, she went on a mission to find the extras in the basement. She could not find them, is pissed beyond belief that someone (that would be me) "moved them". Meanwhile everyone is shocked and upset that she even tried those stairs and her oxygen does not go that far. She doesn't get that part, it was all about that she could not find what she had to have. I became so sick of everyone talking about her stupidly dangerous foray into the hoard, I told my dad we are putting a child proof lock on that door, she is not going down there at 4 am alone again ever. I don't care if I am taking away her independence and separating her from the majority of her hoard.

I'm rambling but ITA it is painful and sucky when hoarding or alcoholism or pick your poison, becomes more important than you and your family. That the person is picking their vice over you, even if it's an illness and they can't help it. You can understand that on paper til the cows come home, IRL it blows.

[sylvia]

Yes freshstart thank you your sharing the reality. My parents are in their late 60's and 70's so one step away from the golden years.My mom is a breast cancer survivor and had to stop drinking during chemo. She sobered up but became very sad and kept talking about her childhood, how good it was like Shirley Temple good, cute dresses , princess lifestyle, youth and beauty. Now we know she feels better because she is drinking again, my dad too drinks away every nite after work. What goes on in their minds I dont know but at their worse they are the two crazies of "Who is afraid of Virginia Wolf" to the T.So dear freshstart you know what you need to do, keep your mom safe so you have a clear conscience. Maybe the hoard is what is keeping her going.I had an elderly friend she was terminal and she told me" I better get a move on clearing those piles of papers because I dont have much time". Im thinking if you are terminal go on a cruise or something special, not cleaning up.

[Chicken lady]

I am sorry you guys are struggling with this stuff.

I am feeling pretty good right now though. All my kids are home. We had "thanksgiving" dinner and used and enjoyed the good china. And burned the pretty candles. It was lovely!


While we were doing that the basement flooded again. I did go down and mop it up a little while people were doing dishes. But I am just over it. It is what it is and I will deal with it when the construction is tight. Meanwhile, stuff will just get wet and it will be ok or not.


Dd2 has been making yarn and buttons from the hoard into Christmas gifts for all of her friends. It has not taken me more than 5 minutes to find anyhing she has asked for.

[freshstart]

What goes on in their minds I dont know but at their worse they are the two crazies of "Who is afraid of Virginia Wolf" to the T.So dear freshstart you know what you need to do, keep your mom safe so you have a clear conscience. Maybe the hoard is what is keeping her going.I had an elderly friend she was terminal and she told me" I better get a move on clearing those piles of papers because I dont have much time". Im thinking if you are terminal go on a cruise or something special, not cleaning up.

thank you. Your situation sounds so hard. I really hope (although my teens think I already have ruined their lives, lol) I never project any major issues onto my kids that they have to carry through their entire lives unless they get good therapy. I know my mom did not choose to be this way, but she did choose to never get help for it.

[sylvia]

Yes, I wish they would want help or be like those recovering types that spend the rest of their lives making it up to people. We all want our parents to heal, which in turn helps us heal.

[Ultralight]

Yes, I wish they would want help or be like those recovering types that spend the rest of their lives making it up to people. We all want our parents to heal, which in turn helps us heal.

Heroin addiction has something like a 10% recovery rate, according to a documentary I watched last night. So 90% of addicts never kick.

So far -- though the research is new -- it is more likely for a junkie to kick heroin than it is for a hoarder to declutter.