Recovering hoarders?

[RoseQuartz]

.

[iris lilies]

When I said throwing out the feed bags now is like throwing out used tissues. There is not really a space in my brain for "trash".

That is very interesting, and they way you describe these hoading issues is fascinatng.

re:collections. For some reason I am lucky and
I usually know when a collection is done. In all past times these collections have been ones that I spend a few years to gather. Perhaps I tire of the activity, perhaps I really am "done" but I do stop at some point.


In the back of my brain I have the word "representative" rather than "comprehensive." I collect a representatice sample of what I like, not a comprehensive group. With my collection of Victorian flow blue Chna, my goal was to collect pretty patterns I like, and not try to collect an entire set of one pattern. Then later
I refined the goal to collecting abstract patterns of late Victorian period.I found that I am not attracted to the Chinoise and floral patterns as much as the abstract ones, unless the floral are very "modern" (i.e. 1890's and later.)

With my book collection I focused on illustrated children's books with a fantasy theme. But the artist's work really had to,speak to me. So, this was a representative collection. But i had an obsession with fairies which were a very popular subject for children's books during the golden age of illustration, 1880-1920, so I was a bit "comprehensive" on that topic to the extent that I could afford it.

but one day I was done. There is one elusive fairy book I would still like to,have, but I dont know the name of it, something like Fairy annual. i saw it in a bookstore on Champaign IL. I still think about that book.

[RoseQuartz]

.

[Chicken lady]

RoseQuartz, the mental processes you describe are very much a part of hoarding. I found myself nodding. Short circuiting or overcoming those thoughts is really hard.

the "trigger" thing, I don't know. It seems like I have always been this way. I can't think of anything that would really qualify as a "trigger" - birth trauma? - lol!

when I am collecting something, the theme is pretty much always "stuff I like."

ultralite angler, I would totally submit to a study of how I spend my time in relation to stuff as long as the researcher promises to share the results but not any opinions.

as far as "hoarder by proxy" I think it is a term that works for you as a description of a situation. From this side of the experience, I guess I would just say, would you call someone who drinks a lot socially an "alcoholic by proxy" if they did it because they were married to an alcoholic and so were put in a lot of social situations where a lot of drinking was normative? I'd say "A is an alcoholic, but B is a heavy drinker" there are a lot of other issues involved.

[Ultralight]

I often think of my deceased ex-MIL, she was a very bad hoarder. She had a lot of repressed anger and it manifested in controlling things rather than dealing with people. All of her dusty and broken garbage was priceless and "worth a lot of money". When she died no one wanted to go through her crap and the family property and home were left in ruin and the bank took it. It was so devastating and emotionally sad to even be on the property that everyone just dissipated in all directions.

Tragic story with a fairly common main character/plot. When hoarders say things like "This stuff if priceless" or "This will be worth a lot of money someday!" I just want to cry. It is so sad and delusional. My grandma says it. My mom says it.

I don't collect anything. And my ex-MIL is the reason. I lost all love for anything that needs dusting after seeing the madness and anger in her house.

I tried collecting things as a kid, baseball cards (I did not like baseball) and comic books (I did not like them that much, the plots were boresville), and other things here or there as people encouraged me. But I got bored with it. Though I used to have a major hobby hoarding problem, but I figured out a couple ways to kick that habit!

Part of my time in college was spent studying hoarding. I find it very fascinating and I do understand attaching to things rather than people. In my childhood through my early 20's I was acutely attached to items because people were terrifying due to the severe domestic violence and abuse I witnessed in my house. And the behavior of my primary caregivers was so erratic and ever changing. I had to work hard to stop that habit.

I understand why people attach to stuff rather than people, or even the more tragic and rage-inducing scenario -- when people attach to animals more than people and then they hoard animals. But while I understand it, I just don't feel it. While people frustrate me and I do like most dogs more than I like most people, I still just can't connect with stuff the why hoarders do. Nor would I want to if I could. haha

I had an odd attachment to receipts. An example, I had a friend die suddenly very young and I had gone to the store the day that he died. I kept the receipt because in my mind throwing away the receipt was throwing away the memory and throwing away the memory was throwing away my friend. And I think I engaged in a bit of magical thinking, like if I kept the items I could somehow go back and make a better outcome.

Perhaps if you had a genetic disposition to hoarding then you'd have had your trigger moment and started hoarding like a champ! But luckily you don't appear to be a hoarder. Maybe you have a symptom or two, as many people do. But it seems to take more of a constellation of symptoms to get the hoarding ball a-rolling.

I grew up poor, but I feel that made me a stronger natural minimalist. I never had much, and it is proof I didn't need much. Having too much stuff has always made me feel greedy and wasteful. You can only wear/use so many things.

I grew up poor too, but if I say that around my mom she will have one of her endless fits where she fixates on it and won't stop until I tell her what she wants to hear, and then she still won't stop most of the time. haha

I just always valued free time more than stuff.

Reading and discussing this stuff makes me even more motivated to pitch (recycle/donate/toss ahem....) more stuff.

Reading much of this stuff makes me glad I am a minimalist. But my heart goes out to the hoarders trying to overcome and even more so to the children of hoarders. Hoarding just so often destroys relationships.

[Ultralight]

the "trigger" thing, I don't know. It seems like I have always been this way. I can't think of anything that would really qualify as a "trigger" - birth trauma? - lol!

It is hard to say for sure if you did or did not have a trigger. The research just shows that an overwhelming number of hoarders appear to have a trigger moment. Though I often point out that minimalists have a trigger moment too, or perhaps a series of them and that cascade ends up with them simplifying.

when I am collecting something, the theme is pretty much always "stuff I like."

This I can't quite understand. "Stuff I like." Tell me more.

ultralite angler, I would totally submit to a study of how I spend my time in relation to stuff as long as the researcher promises to share the results but not any opinions.

What a study that would be!

as far as "hoarder by proxy" I think it is a term that works for you as a description of a situation. From this side of the experience, I guess I would just say, would you call someone who drinks a lot socially an "alcoholic by proxy" if they did it because they were married to an alcoholic and so were put in a lot of social situations where a lot of drinking was normative? I'd say "A is an alcoholic, but B is a heavy drinker" there are a lot of other issues involved.

Heck of a good question in there. I will mull that over.

[Ultralight]

Chicken Lady:

Can I ask a really, really tough question?

[RoseQuartz]

.

[RoseQuartz]

.

[Geila]

When I was going thru the stuff in our garage, I realized that dh and I do have some hoarding tendencies around specific items. For me it's textiles. Linens and fabrics for the sewing projects that I continue to believe I will complete some day (soon). This morning it hit me that maybe part of the issue is that my mother was an amazing self-taught artist. She could create some pretty amazing things across several mediums, whichever were available to her, and sewing was one of them. Unfortunately, she was not a generous or loving woman and she never shared her talents or skills with her kids. In fact, I tried my hand at sewing when I was in high school and I remember her laughing and ridiculing my one and only attempt.

Now I have this notion that I should be able to create things I want but part of me still has that emotional fear of... something...(failing? being humiliated? realizing I suck? fear of the pain of being inadequate?)

I want to try, but I'm afraid to try. So I keep several plastic bins full of fabrics that I imagine will become great looking projects some day. I don't know if it would be healthier for me to just chuck everything and realize that I can buy anything I need pretty cheaply at Ross, and be done with it. Or if I should face the fear and stumble my way through learning the ways of sewing.

Now dh has a thing for all things related to building things which I guess is common enough but he also has this thing about wanting to save every last container. Jars, tins, boxes, bottles and bags are stuffed into his designated garage wall. I respect his things and I won't touch them, but all that stuff does give me the tight claustrophobic feeling when I look at it. I think for him it's a throwback to growing up in deprivation and need - the idea of throwing out these things is emotionally hard for him.