Recovering hoarders?

[Ultralight]

I always say that he has to die first because I will me mad if I am dead and my beautiful house is trashed

A buddy of mine moved in with his GF two years ago. I helped him clean his place and move stuff. She was there helping too.

They had been together 8 years. They finally decided to move in together.

Dude's fridge was trashed! His whole place screamed "messy bachelor." But that fridge was rough.

She looked him right in the eye and said: "You move into my house and mess up my fridge like that you better hope I am already dead! Over my dead body will my fridge ever get trashed like that!"

I quickly left the room to move some other stuff to the car! haha

She is taller and more muscular than him too. lol

But, it all worked out well. They have worked out a good system and have a nice, clean place. Altogether they are happy and have a great partnership.

If it had been me though, I would have given the relationship serious second thoughts.

[Teacher Terry]

My Dh hated his Mom's hoarding so he is not nearly as bad and gets over stuff. Plus if you get rid of crap in a messy garage and leave the garage messy he can't tell stuff is missing.

[Ultralight]

Here is something I recently realized. I don't think that my sis or I have every actually used the words "hoard," "hoarder," or "hoarding" to my mom and dad.

We have skated around the word using vague terms. We often just say: "the house."


I am thinking of talking to my mom directly about the hoarding.

One idea: I will talk to her about the hoarding in very real terms, so that she knows what will happen when she passes away.

Two idea: I kind of think it will bring some light to the shadows if my sis and I can just talk in real terms about the hoard around my mom.

Also, I kind of wonder if calling it what it really is might snap my dad out of his hoarding by proxy.

[Chicken lady]

I think if someone is issuing ultimatums, the relationship is already fractured.

ironically, I don't clean dh office, so it is actually the dirtiest room in the house. I can see footprints in the dust on the hardwood floor.

tell your mom about me.

do you think you could actually support her if she really wanted to get better? I warn you, change is a curve - it starts almost undetectable, possibly for a couple of years. Then one day, you can see it, and then eventually, you get to what you would think of as day one, and the hoarder feels like that have climbed mt Everest. Zero to seeing the floor is a whole lot harder than clean floor to empty surfaces.

telling her everything will be thrown away when she dies won't change anything. Humans are very good at deluding themselves about life after death

[Ultralight]

I think if someone is issuing ultimatums, the relationship is already fractured.

Who fractured it? That is a tough question...

ironically, I don't clean dh office, so it is actually the dirtiest room in the house. I can see footprints in the dust on the hardwood floor.

tell your mom about me.

I just might...

do you think you could actually support her if she really wanted to get better? I warn you, change is a curve - it starts almost undetectable, possibly for a couple of years. Then one day, you can see it, and then eventually, you get to what you would think of as day one, and the hoarder feels like that have climbed mt Everest. Zero to seeing the floor is a whole lot harder than clean floor to empty surfaces.

Honestly, no. I could not put in the time to help anyone who was a hoarder, unless I was getting paid a good wage, with bennies.

telling her everything will be thrown away when she dies won't change anything. Humans are very good at deluding themselves about life after death

Valid point.

[Chicken lady]

Btw, why is it telling that I don't like people?

i'm not sure why dh doesn't like the dolls. He also doesn't like peanut butter, goats, my favorite sweatshirt, eyelet lace, China figurines, country music, or Dungeons and Dragons.

[Ultralight]

i'm not sure why dh doesn't like the dolls. He also doesn't like peanut butter, goats, my favorite sweatshirt, eyelet lace, China figurines, country music, or Dungeons and Dragons.

Huh, no specific reason?

I don't like Led Zeppelin. Why? Because it sounds like Robert Plant was screaming baby-talk.

I don't like beef. Why? Because cattle is a destroyer of wildlife habitat.

I also don't like bats. Why? Because rabies scares the bejesus out of me.

People have reasons for disliking things. So I was just curious about your husband's dislike of dolls.

[Geila]

UA: Ok, your response to my post was a while back but I'll try to address what you said.

I'm not crafty or artsy at all - don't have the talent or patience for it. So I guess that's a good thing in this regard!

My hobbies are: my pets (although I think of them as family, not as hobbies, but they do take up a lot of my time and energy), gardening, used to be a big reader now not so much, used to travel a lot now not so much, cooking, I enjoy listening to guided imagery and meditation tapes, I like listening to music while I work around the house and such, right now I'm enjoying my workouts, I like walking my dogs every morning, dh and I enjoy watching movies together, I enjoy eating good food! , I really enjoy hiking though I haven't been this year because I've been working on lots of gardening projects. That's one thing - I like projects that have a start and end to them. I enjoy the intensity of getting things done and then I'm ready to move onto something else.

How would I feel about being mediocre at sewing? Perfectly fine. The projects I want to do are not very artistic or creative, more functional and practical. Stuff like finding a fabric that I really like and making new covers for the cushions in a room instead of buying new cushions and throwing out the ones I already have, or making cute covers for the pet beds, etc.. I enjoy changing things up every once in a while but feel uncomfortable throwing out perfectly good stuff, so I figure the sewing would accomplish what i want without the waste, or at least less waste.

Where does the line between "saver" and "hoarder" lie? For example, I think of dh as a saver because he never buys anything and he only saves this that he sees as having a purpose. He's also very handy and I grant him that it is possible he will one day use all the things he keeps. But I argue that all those things he keeps we have coming into our lives on a regular basis - so there is no need to save them! Coffee cans, pickle jars, cookie tins, cardboard boxes - these are things that are certainly practical to keep, and many people do, but at some point the choice must be made between "wasting" the item by putting it in the recycle bin, and wasting the space that it takes to keep the item on hand. And I might have exaggerated how much stuff dh keeps because it bothers me so much. We're talking a few of each item, but collectively they add up to a lot of stuff. I do think he keeps to much of that stuff, but I don't think he has a mental illness that causes him to do it. I think many people from earlier generations who did live through periods of living without became savers as a result. The problem is that now, we have so much abundance coming into our lives, in the form of consumer goods and physical things, that the need to save is just not there anymore. But I think it's hard to get rid of the impulse to save when one has endured prolonged periods of not having enough.

[Chicken lady]

Many people don't explore and analyze their reasons for liking or not liking things. Dh "just doesn't like" a lot of stuff. He "just likes" a lot of stuff too.

Fundamentally the the answer to why we don't like things is that those things do not stimulate any reward centers in our brains.

i like bats.

[Ultralight]

Thank you for the thoughtful responses!

UA: Ok, your response to my post was a while back but I'll try to address what you said.

Better late than never.

I'm not crafty or artsy at all - don't have the talent or patience for it. So I guess that's a good thing in this regard!

It could be.

My hobbies are: my pets (although I think of them as family, not as hobbies, but they do take up a lot of my time and energy), gardening, used to be a big reader now not so much, used to travel a lot now not so much, cooking, I enjoy listening to guided imagery and meditation tapes, I like listening to music while I work around the house and such, right now I'm enjoying my workouts, I like walking my dogs every morning, dh and I enjoy watching movies together, I enjoy eating good food! , I really enjoy hiking though I haven't been this year because I've been working on lots of gardening projects. That's one thing - I like projects that have a start and end to them. I enjoy the intensity of getting things done and then I'm ready to move onto something else.

Here is a thought, and I am just throwing this out there.

It seems like you have lots of hobbies and interests that really are meaningful to you and require your time, attention, and focus. Would taking up sewing and such perhaps subtract time you need for these other things, like your pets or cooking?

This alone might be a reason to just consider offloading the sewing stuff you have been storing.

I bring this up because I am a recovering hobby hoarder. Now that I stick to a few particular hobbies I can take things at a slower pace and enjoy a richness that I could not when I was popping from hobby to hobby on the surface level only.

How would I feel about being mediocre at sewing? Perfectly fine. The projects I want to do are not very artistic or creative, more functional and practical. Stuff like finding a fabric that I really like and making new covers for the cushions in a room instead of buying new cushions and throwing out the ones I already have, or making cute covers for the pet beds, etc.. I enjoy changing things up every once in a while but feel uncomfortable throwing out perfectly good stuff, so I figure the sewing would accomplish what i want without the waste, or at least less waste.

The choice is up to you. Ultimately you can make it. And then you sew. Or you make it and then you don't sew. But beware the other option, which is being frozen with indecision.

Where does the line between "saver" and "hoarder" lie? For example, I think of dh as a saver because he never buys anything and he only saves this that he sees as having a purpose. He's also very handy and I grant him that it is possible he will one day use all the things he keeps. But I argue that all those things he keeps we have coming into our lives on a regular basis - so there is no need to save them! Coffee cans, pickle jars, cookie tins, cardboard boxes - these are things that are certainly practical to keep, and many people do, but at some point the choice must be made between "wasting" the item by putting it in the recycle bin, and wasting the space that it takes to keep the item on hand. And I might have exaggerated how much stuff dh keeps because it bothers me so much. We're talking a few of each item, but collectively they add up to a lot of stuff. I do think he keeps to much of that stuff, but I don't think he has a mental illness that causes him to do it. I think many people from earlier generations who did live through periods of living without became savers as a result. The problem is that now, we have so much abundance coming into our lives, in the form of consumer goods and physical things, that the need to save is just not there anymore. But I think it's hard to get rid of the impulse to save when one has endured prolonged periods of not having enough.

Good questions in here. I don't know the difference between hoarder and saver, or that there is necessarily a difference.