Expectations and demands and stepping away

[catherine]

Thanks, everyone. I'm in a somewhat better frame of mind now that I had my two cups of coffee. I called my brother and he apologized for harassing me. My colleague with the "email problem" was also apologetic--and since she was my original market research mentor and I LOVE her I'll forgive her this once, but I love the suggestion to put an "out of office" reply stating certain email boundaries.

DH is the cook in the family, and he did a great job with smoked chicken. I made the corn and he picked up deli salads to save me that work, and everyone had a great time, but I confronted him about asking me and he said, with honesty, "It didn't even occur to me to ask you." He is having the time of his life up here. He's very gregarious and he was raised on Scottish parties and he LOVES being able to bring people together at his (our) house. Ironically, my MIL used to tell my how mad she used to get at DH's father for the same reason--he never wanted to go anywhere, but would always invite people to their house. Because he was alcoholic, it might have had something to do with not having to go anywhere after a night of partying, who knows.

I have a certain number in mind that I want to give my kids before I retire (kind of a "die broke" philosophy) and I'm working towards that. So that's why I agreed on the repairs to the house (plus, any landlord would fix what we had to fix). I'm about half way there. I have not been hurt or disadvantaged by any sum of money I've given my kids so far. And my son knows (and he confirmed this just last weekend) that he knows that ANY time we have to pull the plug and sell the house, he's fine with it--and he has to "sh*t or get off the pot" by 2022.

I am going to work on "NO" for all those other irritating expectations. I agree that I need to just collect what I can from my clients. I'm lucky to be able to work here and make a decent income at my age.

[JaneV2.0]

The essence of simple living for me, is eliminating unnecessary work/entanglements/obligations, not self-denial or "anorexic living." as a friend calls it. I would agree with everything others have said--publish your email hours, delegate, and what's with the (free?) Uber service for your son?

[SteveinMN]

I, too, think Herbgeek is on the right track.

I'm in a somewhat similar position. What has worked for me has been to figure out whose problem it really is. That governs my response.

As an example, there will be a much-needed bathroom remodel done soon at my rental property; one that will improve the safety and quality of life for both occupants of the house (relatives). The ideal would be for both of them (and the dog) to find other accommodations for the couple of weeks needed for the work. But the dog severely restricts their options. It's not my dog (in fact, I lobbied against this particular dog as it's a handful for my relative to manage) so I'm not going to worry about the choices they could make that they have eliminated because of the dog. They'll have to find a place to be or they'll live among the noise and the dust for a couple of weeks and keep the dog penned up while the tradespeople move in and out all day. They made the choice; they bear the consequence(s).

catherine, your son's choice to go carless has a consequence: he either can find an alternate way to visit or he can go without visits if you cannot provide the transportation. His choice, his consequence. Your daughter needing help with financial records? Surely she should have access to records about loans she incurred; is there someone else at school or the loan company or such who she could ask first for help before dumping it in your lap?

As for work, I'd either add a .sig file to my email stating your usual work hours and that you're happy to respond as soon as possible during those hours to emails you receive, or set an auto-responder for your usual non-work hours that indicates you received the email and will respond as soon as possible during your regular work hours. If you happen to look at email at other times, great; otherwise, you have set hours and you're going to stick to them. Nip their expectation in the bud by setting yours as soon as the email is sent.

[Teacher Terry]

What if something happened and tomorrow you were done working forever? Imagine collecting a reduced SS and needing to live on that for live. Is there travel or other experiences you want to have while both you and your husband can? Just some questions that I think you guys need to discuss. You paid for your kids college and that’s a great gift.

[lhamo]

I ran across this somewhere on the internet recently and love it so much I keep sharing it -- for those of us who struggle with what healthy boundaries look like and how to set/maintain them, it is such a useful reminder:

healthy boundaries.jpg

[Teacher Terry]

I, it’s all blurry and can’t be read.

[razz]

I looked lhamo's post up and found it here.
https://lilomm.com/what-do-boundaries-feel-like/

What do boundaries feel like?
It is not my job to fix others.
It is okay if others get angry.
It is okay to say no.
It is not my job to take responsibility for others.
I don’t have to anticipate the needs of others.
It is my job to make me happy.
Nobody has to agree with me.
I have a right to my own feelings.
I am enough.

Very wise in fact.

[Teacher Terry]

Thanks Razz!

[catherine]

Yes, thanks, lhamo and razz! I know I have to work on boundaries.

Terry, you raise good points, of course. I'm just going to plug away and try to not compromise on my financial goals. If my world collapses, I'll have to adjust things, but I don't think I'll be that bad off. My SS is pretty good, actually. I've run those numbers and if I live frugally and pay off the GI house with proceeds of my NJ house (either from my son or a stranger buying it), I can definitely make ends meet, not livingly lavishly, but living simply and well.

If I keep plugging away until I meet my financial goals, I should have enough in the bank to give me another few hundred dollars a month.

I'm not into cruises. My DH doesn't even want to leave the island for weekends away, never mind for a long, expensive trip. I've done a lot of traveling for business domestically and abroad, so while travel would be nice, it's not a burning desire. I'd rather contribute to family vacations here in the US with the grandkids.

I reject the notion that you need a lot of money to be happy or a huge portfolio to be safe. I'm not into jewelry, clothes, big houses, new cars or expensive hobbies. I'm not even that much into food. I know I could eat on $400 a month easy. DH can't, but that's what HIS SS check is for

I'll be fine.

Like a snail, I carry my humble zendō with me.
It is not as small as it looks
For the boundless sky joins it
When I open a window.
If one has no idea of limitation,
He should enjoy real freedom.
A nameless monk may not have the New Year callers to visit him,
But the morning sun hangs above the slums.
It will be honorable enough to receive the golden light from the east.

[flowerseverywhere]

Once I realized people treated me exactly how I trained them I have had few problems. My kids have always been independent but sometimes I did not set clear enough boundaries for others. Be good to yourself so you can be there for others during a true emergency.