Seniors who refuse to ask for help

[Simone]

Old age is a series of losses. Some great some little but all losses. We lose physical abilities and health. We lose people and their relationships. We lose independence and choice. We lose home, whatever that means to each of us.

As in the stages of grief, we each can make it to acceptance or get stuck along the way. Old age is just a series of losses that some can handle much easier than others. It cannot be fixed but must be endured.

Very well said.

[iris lilies]

Very well said.

This reminds me what Jane Fonda recent,y told Julia Louis Dreyfus on a podcast: when you get to your mid 80s it’s really not as bad as what you feared it would be.

this is, of course, coming from someone who is hyper vigilant about maintaining her health, she does strength training every day, etc.

[Klunick]

My mom just turned 85 and has been constantly falling and hurting herself at home. Last year she fell and broke some ribs but never called for help nor wanted to even go to the hospital when one of us found out she had hurt herself. A couple weeks ago, she fell again and laid on the floor overnight until she could crawl to a phone to call my sister to come get her up. She refuses to leave her house which has become a hoarded mess. She refuses to get any type of "Life Alert" gadget that she could push to summons help because she doesn't want strangers seeing her hoarded house. She won't look into any type of laundry service because she can't get down the stairs to do laundry so she has 3-4 years worth of clothes piled up in her room and just buys new clothes when needed. She has a dog for company but can't keep up with the grooming so the dog is a matted mess. Vet actually threatened to call and have the dog taken away due to neglect. Mom did get it groomed so it wouldn't be taken away but it's a matted mess again. The dog isn't house trained either so she has puppy pads all over her house for the dog to use which makes the house smell. The rest of the family is basically estranged from her because we can't tolerate the smell of her house and the hostility we get from her when we suggest her moving into a smaller more manageable house.

[iris lilies]

Klunick, i’m so sorry for your situation, and that of your mother and her little dog. I guess if I were in your situation, I would brave the hoarded stinky house to cheerfully take the dog to a groomer and make sure the dog is cared for. To heck with the mom, she can live with her decisions.

[Klunick]

Klunick, i’m so sorry for your situation, and that of your mother and her little dog. I guess if I were in your situation, I would brave the hoarded stinky house to cheerfully take the dog to a groomer and make sure the dog is cared for. To heck with the mom, she can live with her decisions.

I would if I lived closer.

[iris lilies]

I would if I lived closer.

ah. Well, I wish the little doggie well then.

[ToomuchStuff]

We don't really know why they sold the vehicle. They may have needed money for other house expenses the mom didn't cover, or she could just have been a bad driver, putting them at liability as owners of the car.

I have seen two approaches to this. When things opened back up, a family had a family meal/meeting planned, to convince dad to give up the car keys. Dad showed up and drove into the building, it then became clear to him.

Then we had a couple that the wife never drove, the husband, had no drivers license after being diagnosed with alzheimers, yet the wife and kids let him drive. They had a family dinner and the dad came up and placed an order, payed, and went back to the table. His order came out and they all claimed he hadn't placed an order, or payed (I handled the entire thing). About a month later they realized they had screwed up when their dad put their mom into a nursing home and had no idea where, after she had a stroke.`

[Tradd]

Forgot to update this thread.

Senior DID refuse attend granddaughter’s wedding. She was offered rides by many people. Refused all. Granddaughter and multiple other family members were VERY upset. There’s now a break between a number of family members and granny. My church streams services (started during pandemic) so she watches those instead of coming to church. Won’t accept rides to church either. From what I’ve been told, she’s not going to any of her doctor’s appts. She has multiple health conditions, including diabetes, so if she keeps this up, unknown how much longer it’s going to be before she ends up in the hospital.

[early morning]

Tradd, that sounds like someone who is willing herself to die, frankly. It's possible that in addition to not attending appointments, she's not taking any of her meds - a friend of ours did this. I understand your frustration with her, but it just seems to me that some compassion for this older woman, who is losing control of her life, is warranted. Granted, it's hard to sit by when we "know" what would help, and it sounds like you and her friends/neighbors are willing to help her. Still we can't walk in her shoes - it is not our situation, our medical status, or our past experiences that have led her to this point in her life, but those that are uniquely her own. She still has some agency. Perhaps she's using it in the only way she is able to see.

[rosarugosa]

Tradd, that sounds like someone who is willing herself to die, frankly. It's possible that in addition to not attending appointments, she's not taking any of her meds - a friend of ours did this. I understand your frustration with her, but it just seems to me that some compassion for this older woman, who is losing control of her life, is warranted. Granted, it's hard to sit by when we "know" what would help, and it sounds like you and her friends/neighbors are willing to help her. Still we can't walk in her shoes - it is not our situation, our medical status, or our past experiences that have led her to this point in her life, but those that are uniquely her own. She still has some agency. Perhaps she's using it in the only way she is able to see.

Nicely said, Early.