Seeking advice - wording on thank-you notes for Catholic "spiritual bouquets"

[rosarugosa]

My mother comes from an Italian Catholic background. Although she was not a fan of the Catholic church in her adulthood, she did consider herself a Christian. As you probably know, I am an atheist, or even an anti-theist. I would describe my sister as more of an atheist-leaning agnostic.

So here is my question. Many of the people who came to her visitation gave us "spiritual bouquets" or perpetual mass cards. The giver buys a card (for as much as $30!) to enroll Mom in daily prayers by a bunch of monks. Now these cards are less than meaningless to me, and I actually find it a bit annoying that the damned church made money from her death (leave it to the Catholic church). I also understand that the givers did this with love in their hearts, and that the practice is meaningful to them. I know better than to say what I really think, e.g. "so sorry that you wasted your money and helped to support The Evil Empire," but I also am not about to say something totally insincere like "I'm sure Mom is appreciating those prayers up in heaven!" Does it sound OK to thank them for their condolences and just leave it vague like that? I want to acknowledge the caring behind the gesture, without showing that I value the thing itself, if that makes sense.

[Tybee]

Does it sound OK to thank them for their condolences and just leave it vague like that? I want to acknowledge the caring behind the gesture, without showing that I value the thing itself, if that makes sense.

Of course! I will say that I have done this, have mass said for someone, that it is my first impulse when someone I love very much dies. So know that they loved your mother very much if this is what they wanted to do, and they wanted to do the only thing they could think of to express that love and connect with your mom, to do one last thing for her.

[happystuff]

I agree with Tybee. Acknowledging them for what they are - a loving, caring demonstration of how they feel/felt about your mom.

We got MANY of these mass cards when my son passed. I looked at them as more prayers going out into the universe - not a bad thing, but a positive thing.

Hugs to you and yours.

[catherine]

I also agree with Tybee and happystuff. Thank you for your condolences says it all.

[rosarugosa]

Thanks for the input, my friends.

[early morning]

I agree with Tybee. Acknowledging them for what they are - a loving, caring demonstration of how they feel/felt about your mom.

Agree with all of the above - It's fairly easy for me to write a generic "thanks for support in a difficult time" or whatever fits the occasion. As a fellow atheist, I struggle with this more in person - "oh I'm sure your Mom is looking down and so happy to with....." I work to keep my face bland and simply smile and say "thanks so much for thinking of her" or whomever we're speaking of. This kind of personal dialog is why I was very glad both my parents were clear in their wishes to NOT have a funeral. Funerals don't seem appropriate places to debate theology, so when I have to attend, I do a lot of smiling and nodding and try to not critique things out loud. I find them very difficult, although I genuinely want to support those who are grieving. But people need what they need, and belief in an afterlife seems to be a big need for many people. Sometimes, honestly, I think my life would be a lot easier if belief were something that worked for me.

[KayLR]

Keep it simple. "Thank you for your gift of love."

[rosarugosa]

We did not have a funeral. We had a visitation at the funeral home with Mom's cremains, some flowers, and a lot of photos. I've come to learn that a lot of people truly seem to need some traditional way to pay their respects, and if there is nothing, it leaves a void for them. DH's mother didn't have anything when his father passed, and I could see that DH felt hurt by this. It was a good turnout for a 91-year-old. There was a local event in town and the garden club's table closed up early so that members could go pay their respects. Mom very much of a people person. Someone at the wake asked, "How many godchildren did she have? I keep hearing people say, 'she was my god-mother.'" Five of her 6 god-children were there (the sixth lives in TX).

We also hosted a meal at a nice Italian restaurant nearby with very good food, and we had an open bar. It was actually quite nice and a lot of people came. Mom would have approved.

[Tybee]

We did not have a funeral. We had a visitation at the funeral home with Mom's cremains, some flowers, and a lot of photos. I've come to learn that a lot of people truly seem to need some traditional way to pay their respects, and if there is nothing, it leaves a void for them. DH's mother didn't have anything when his father passed, and I could see that DH felt hurt by this. It was a good turnout for a 91-year-old. There was a local event in town and the garden club's table closed up early so that members could go pay their respects. Mom very much of a people person. Someone at the wake asked, "How many godchildren did she have? I keep hearing people say, 'she was my god-mother.'" Five of her 6 god-children were there (the sixth lives in TX).

We also hosted a meal at a nice Italian restaurant nearby with very good food, and we had an open bar. It was actually quite nice and a lot of people came. Mom would have approved.

This sounds rather wonderful! Exactly what I would want, for sure. How incredible that five of her six godchildren were there. I love the idea of the restaurant meal as a celebration of her.

[iris lilies]

What a nice sendoff Rosa!