Dreading Christmas and Thanksgiving

[Spartana]

I love Spartana's suggestion. Tell tehma ll you two are having a romantic Christmas just the two of you and then send a small family gift for all to enjoy-basket of fruit, or cake, or cookies.

The best Christmas I ever had was when DH and I (we were both in the Coast Guard stationed on ships 2000 miles apart) met up in Maine where I was stationed and spent Christmas day hiking thru falling snow and stopping for dinner to a cute little chinese restaurant. Then walking back after dark to our motel room (I lived aboard the ship) with a tiny tree we decorated with popcorn thru the fresh snow with an unbelievably clear star filled sky over head and all the houses decorated. It was great! We had no presents for each other, and we had no family near by, but it was perfect. Highly recommend a no fuss, easy holiday alone with just the sweetie (and kids) for everyone at least once in their lifetime.

[Sissy]

Now that I am in the category of "going to Granny's" for holidays, this is how I feel: Each family unit should have their own celebrations at their own homes first. If they want to pile on gifts, that is their deal. This should be done before coming to Granny's house. We eat and catch up and such at Granny's house. We always pretty much "graze" at our house, so a big meal is not really put on the table.

Ok, that said, there is always someone that feels that they have to bring gifts. I would say thanks, let them feel awkward and then it probably won't happen again. I will, on the other hand, get my Gd's gifts because there will be only 3, and I don't want to miss the fun of watching them. Everyone else needs to learn the program.

Adults can be so childish.

[frugalone]

Stella, What happened was that I ended up taking orders like a waitress. I asked people what they wanted for dessert. We usually make two pumpkin pies, one for the dairy-intolerant and one for everyone else, and my sister is really fond of these Polish-style dessert rolls (lekvar, poppy, something like that) that are about $10 each. I usually get three of them.We end up eating not even half of each one and my sis takes the leftovers to work. Plus my BIL wanted a pumpkin roll. THEN it happened to be aunt's b-day and my mom shows up with a small b-day cake which kinda took away from the other desserts. Then we make cranberry sauce from scratch, plus we make an entree (a veggie pot pie) because we do not eat meat. I think I added up all the costs and it was about $70. That was the food total, not just desserts...sorry for the misunderstanding.

Then my sister's kids ask for things like pomegranates and chocolate pudding--most of which doesn't get eaten. They are kind of spoiled and I'm getting tired of catering to children.

You might be surprised. My mom's family is quite wealthy and when I was a kid they were pretty materialistic. When we decided to ease off the gifts, sometime in my teens, I think, we were all just fine with it. It's been years and years since we did any major gift giving and all is well.

$75 for desserts seems like a lot. Is it because there are a lot of people or because you tend to bring a wide variety of desserts? Maybe it would simplify things to make 1-2 kinds of desserts. Maybe something cheap, like homemade cake or brownies. Even if you make several pans of brownies it's not especially expensive or hard. Maybe do a variety of bars. Those are easy and cheap and there are lots of variations. Plain brownies, brownies with mint, brownies with or']ange or raspberry, blondies, cookie bars, etc. Or homemade gingerbread cake. That's cheap and easy too, and very Christmasy. Maybe gingerbread and a flourless chocolate cake for the gluten free crowd. That would not be too expensive.

[frugalone]

Fidgie--Don't feel weird about writing this. I went to a b-day party yesterday for the two daughters of my first cousin (they are 1 and 4). Their parents have substance abuse issues and are in and out of rehab. My uncle and aunt are raising the girls. My aunt and uncle were also very very good to me during a troubled time in my life, so between that a feeling of "the poor little girls" we go to the party. The 1 year old was oblivious, of course, and DH observed that the 4 year old seemed miserable most of the day. I do not go to parties for my other cousin's kids (Have never been invited and that's fine).

Just a note: while at the party, DH asked our nephew (11, spoiled) if he had enjoyed the video tape we gave him for his birthday. DH had a tape of the Smothers Brothers displaying various yo-yo tricks, as yo-yos were N11's latest interest. DH made sure to explain to N11 that this was a treasured possession of DH's and he wanted to pass it along. N11 replied that he didn't even watch it yet. Since August.

All this kid wants is gift cards so he can go buy more violent videogames or $40 yo-yos. I'm sick of this cr*p.

ladyinblack, sorry to hear about all this. The holidays are supposed to be joyous but they are a weight for so many. I have experienced this, too, though not to the degree you are feeling it.

This won't help you, but is just another thought to add to the gifting aspect. I think I have learned from other people's families is to avoid starting the giving of gifts to the children of the extended family. It sounds so mean to put it like that. What I mean is, I think what happens is that people give to the first niece/nephew/grandchild/child of a cousin/etc. because it's the only one. Or they go really whole-hog, because heck, it's only one kid, and it's so cute! And it's the first! But then pretty soon there are 10 nieces and nephews or all of your cousins have 2 kids each within 5 years and eek! It's out of control! But the first kid has nothing to compare the whole gift-giving thing to. First kid is just a baby, and will learn whatever s/he is taught, whether that be that ALL the aunties and uncles and cousins are going to give lots of goodies or that they are not, but that s/he is still loved. So I'm hoping we can take that as a caution in our family, at least with nieces and nephews (if any ever come to exist). If we never start, or at least never start on a large scale, we'll never have to have this angst and explaining to children and hurt feelings about having to stop.

It feels so wrong to even write this, maybe I just didn't put it quite right even though I know what I'm thinking isn't mean, but then it also feels wrong to think about people in ladyinblack's situation, or to have watched my friend's 3 year old so overwhelmed with the presents at his birthday that he couldn't even open them all, or to hear my friend tell how she and her husband are strapped but her sister has had seven kids and my friend feels she can't discontinue gift giving to her nieces and nephews at a certain level.

Love the folded bill idea, though. Still a little something special to say "I love you and was thinking of you," but affordable and memorable.

[frugalone]

That sounds really sweet!

The best Christmas I ever had was when DH and I (we were both in the Coast Guard stationed on ships 2000 miles apart) met up in Maine where I was stationed and spent Christmas day hiking thru falling snow and stopping for dinner to a cute little chinese restaurant. Then walking back after dark to our motel room (I lived aboard the ship) with a tiny tree we decorated with popcorn thru the fresh snow with an unbelievably clear star filled sky over head and all the houses decorated. It was great! We had no presents for each other, and we had no family near by, but it was perfect. Highly recommend a no fuss, easy holiday alone with just the sweetie (and kids) for everyone at least once in their lifetime.

[ctg492]

ladyinblack1964, when you find the answer you can live with and do, LET me know please! I am 50 and yes the holidays I feel the same way. I will read the posts and see if I too can take a stand.

[Packratona!]

Wow all these pagan traditions that pass as "Christian" (though they are anything but) are a real heavy load to carry. Just dump them all, be free! Why let people lay guilt trips on you or lay them on yourself! Be free! There really is a pretty short (relatively) list of thou shalts and thou shalt nots, why not just stick with them, life is much much easier that way! End the bondage!

[iris lily]

Wow all these pagan traditions that pass as "Christian" (though they are anything but) are a real heavy load to carry. Just dump them all, be free! Why let people lay guilt trips on you or lay them on yourself! Be free! There really is a pretty short (relatively) list of thou shalts and thou shalt nots, why not just stick with them, life is much much easier that way! End the bondage!

haha so true, kick those holiday extravaganza expectations to the curb! Yours and everyone else's.

[frugalone]

Thank you all for listening, and for understanding, and for your suggestions. You guys rock!

[redfox]

It can be hard to assert one's stance in one's family of origin... there are so many unspoken expectations of goodness-knows-what! Developing firm yet permeable boundaries is definitely doable, so one can hold one's position lovingly, not punitively, and stay in relationship while still getting what you need.

It took me years to figure it out, and here on the other side, I can say that it was worth it, and it gets easier. Blessings!