Does he live far away? Do you know where he bought it? Could you not simply exchange it for what you do use. You must need line, flies or something. Tell me you aren't hand fishing for Gods sake. It really isn't about the gadget anyway.
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Does he live far away? Do you know where he bought it? Could you not simply exchange it for what you do use. You must need line, flies or something. Tell me you aren't hand fishing for Gods sake. It really isn't about the gadget anyway.
This is good advice. We've largely buried the hatchet. But I still don't want the stuff.Quote:
Originally Posted by Williamsmith
Interestingly... neither of them asked for it. My sis got it so she could disprove that my mom is Irish. And then hopefully be mercifully spared the non-stop Irish talk and Irish stuff. I mean, it is silly really. My mom thinks that anything good we do is because we are Irish. lolQuote:
Originally Posted by kally
"You kids drink plenty of water. That is because you're Irish!"
"Ultralite, you've got a good sense of rhythm because you're Irish."
"My daughter is a hard worker! That is because she is Irish."
"That spelling be your sister won in second grade-- what can I say? Irish are good spellers."
I mean, for god's sake, this is nutty as heck, right?!
My mom was quite leery of taking the DNA test, but my sis put on the pressure.
Though when my dad saw my mom taking the test he was intrigued genuinely; so my sis and I will test him too.
So you forced your mother into something she didn't want that you believe she won't like, that can't be undone, exchanged, given away or thrown out, and you called it a gift?
Maybe your dad should have gotten you a "born to shop" tatoo. Wouldn't take up any space.
Forced? Uh... really? There is a very big difference between pressuring someone to do something and forcing someone.Quote:
Originally Posted by Chicken lady
Think about it. They don't them the Armed Pressures. They call them the Armed Forces. Just an example...
Someone who is pressured can simply refuse. Like when a group of teens pressure another teen into smoking a cigarette. He could refuse the cigarette.
Besides, I was not even there. I gave my sis half the cost of the DNA test. She collected the sample, mailed it out, and will be receiving the results -- which she will then forward to my mom.
Pressure is just force over area.
The stronger person always wins.
I notice that when your dad gave you the fish thingie you simply refused. (ultralight angler says "no thank you." refuses to touch gift.)
It's nice for you that you can justify your role in this even as you gloat over the prospect of getting revenge for all the Irish comments by exploding a world view your mother holds dear.
But I bet the lunar fish thing looks a lot kinder and more generous from your dad's viewpoint than your "gift" to your mom looks from yours. So on this one you get no sympathy here.
I am not sure what you mean...Quote:
Originally Posted by Chicken lady
I respectfully disagree, in part. I spent my teens in Ju Jitsu (translation means "the gentle way"). I'd grapple much, much stronger opponents and beat them resoundingly on the regular. How? By using their strength against them or exploiting their tiniest weakness or by thinking 12 moves ahead of them.Quote:
Originally Posted by Chicken lady
Now, having strength helps but good technique is more important and decides the match.
My dad is quite clever. Since I was not there to receive the gift in person (I avoided my fam's holiday festivities) he gave it to my sis who gave it to me. My intention is to give it to my BIL and then reiterate to my dad that I need no gifts in the future (unless they are pay-offs of my student loans! lol).
I actually told my sis we should consider white lying to my mom if the results come back at zero Irish. Why? Because this might temporarily crush her. My thought was that we could tell her she was perhaps 10% Irish. That way when my mom starts going on and on about how we're Irish we could say, "Come on mom, you're only 10% and we're only 5%!"Quote:
Originally Posted by Chicken lady
But my sis brings up a good point: My mom is a grown woman. She should be able to handle the truth as such, especially about something so materially inconsequential.
My sis and I are grown ups too. So if my mom comes back 50% Irish or something ludicrous like that then we'll be eating crow. And we'll simply re-frame our arguments.
I personally think adults should do their best to avoid delusions of their own construction (and of others' construction). I am not perfect at this, but I put in my best efforts and try to do better at this each day.
You have the choice to treat your parents in any manner you deem appropriate short of physical and mental abuse but ...if i were you, I'd be careful about the observations your girlfriend is front seat for because she might start wondering if she is getting the same treatment.....like little white lies, contrived excuses, word play and experiments with deeply held beliefs.
Now if she doesn't seem to be bothered by any of this.......you might find yourself taking a DNA test someday.
This whole conversation, your comments above in particular, are making me think about how my family members (myself included) are all rather mean and bitter toward each other. My sis was actually complaining when she came back from the fam festivities that my mom has just become so bitter and mean-spirited (much like my grandmother did). I see it too, I have seen it happening for a long time.Quote:
Originally Posted by Williamsmith
Maybe there is another way?
Here is the thing, and I told this to my girlfriend. If I don't have much respect for a person I tell them little white lies and/or give them contrived excuses because I really don't have time to deal with them and/or their dysfunction. But if I really respect someone then I will give them the truth, usually as tactfully as I can. And this is how I treat my girlfriend (and my previous romantic partners as well). I respect them, I am truthful with them, I am tactful as possible, and I let them know I tell white lies to people I don't have much respect for out of convenience.
As for deeply held beliefs, my gf and I tread lightly regarding certain things -- like religion. She questions my atheism and I question her religiosity, but we do so in a way that does not tick off the other. These are just discussions of ideas.
Oh, lawdy! I hope I never have to do that, but if I do then I hope it ain't mine! hahaQuote:
Originally Posted by Williamsmith
Ultralight, there are different forms of strength. I'm sure your sister didn't physically wrestle your mother to the ground and take a DNA sample.
But she clearly found an area in which your mother was weaker and applied force (pressure and leverage are both forms of force - physics, pressure is force over area, leverage is force using a vector I believe. I'm shakey on the math on that one)
I hope your family can find ways to be kinder to each other, but you can only control your own behavior.
I will post more on my mil on the other thread later, but incidentally, I posted looking for sympathy and appreciate that I got a call to reflection.
I don't think it is "force" when a person can just say: "Nope."Quote:
Originally Posted by Chicken lady
Difference in opinions, perhaps.
Definitely. In my opinion sometimes the other person makes it so difficult for you to say "nope" that you find yourself saying "yes" against your wishes or better judgement. That's how kids get pressured into smoking by friends. They don't have the inner strength to say no and suffer the consequences.
For example - you don't want to spend money taking your girl friend on dates, but you are less willing to suffer the consequences of not doing it - that is you giving in to pressure from your girlfriend. How much pressure is required and how it is applied varies - leverage.
Wouldn't the cure be for them to cultivate some inner strength?Quote:
Originally Posted by Chicken lady
sell it on eBay or CL, earmark money earned a money from your dad and hang onto it, use it even in small amts the way you would've preferred to be gifted. Or stick it in your EF, whatever. I think the important thing (I confess I have not read the whole thread) is you want to spend time fishing with him. Does he even know that? I think most parents of adult children would love to hear you want to spend time on a special activity with them, I know I would. I just asked my teens for Christmas to go out to lunch with me one on one. There is nothing they could give me that trumps wanting time with them. I suspect this increases the older your child gets.Quote:
Originally Posted by UltraliteAngler
I have told him time and time again that we should just go fishing. He has gone twice. Keep in mind that I live like a 5 minute drive to a lake.Quote:
Originally Posted by freshstart
I actually think he gives gifts as a way to show he cares without having to put the time or words into it.
Just an observation from reading the whole thread. The desire is for 'the other' in various scenarios to change in some way. Nothing else will do. Seems sad to me.
My sister and I want to do this, her MIL is crazy about being German. Everything is about being German! And my friend who is 1st generation American isn't as much into being German. We realized that FIL has never talked about his ancestry, probably no room in her being German!Quote:
Originally Posted by UltraliteAngler
We don't want to change ourselves. After all, the other other often wants us to change.Quote:
Originally Posted by razz
I think this phenomenon is caused by being brought up in a cultural void.Quote:
Originally Posted by Zoe Girl
I understand the obsession with being Irish.
My obsession is on our Scottish ancestors. Which part of Scotland did they come from? What did they do there? Who is left there as a relative? And etc. Its all a big mystery since our immigrant ancestor left us no trace of the old country.
Meanwhile, we've got thorough documentation about our German ancestors in the way that only methodical Germans would document. Yet they are boring to me. I want the mystery of our ancestor Scots to be revealed.
Rev UL, We did the cheek swab thing years ago and have not managed to hook up with close Scottish relatives. we hold out hope.
Any surprises in your cheek swab?Quote:
Originally Posted by iris lilies
One of my friends from the old neighborhood was something like 2 percent African-American. He'll never hear the end of it.
I am fairly certain my family is just European -- Western, mostly; though I think it is likely there is Southern and Northern European in there too. But I sure hope no Irish! :)
I agree with this, my dad was an SOB and my mom did nothing to stop it. He ended up on an antidepressant for pain and he was a changed man and I mean really, really changed man. When he skips a week, the old monster comes roaring back. he cannot really see the sea change in himself, he denies he was/is that man but he has obliquely apologized and shown over and over through action that he loves me, and will even occasionally say it. I forgive him, I believe he had good intentions (he pulled us out of abject poverty) and did the best with the limited parenting skills he had. Forgiving him freed me, even forgiving the violence, which he had to know was wrong. Learning to love him changed me. It took hard work in therapy but I reaped the benefits, not just him getting a "real" relationship with me. My brother has not forgiven him. My brother possesses the same deep seeded anger my father had, he is incredibly difficult to have a relationship with and he is unhappy. I'm no ball of joy just because I forgave my dad, but over the years it has helped and it has allowed me to allow him to be part of my children's lives. The man he was would never have been allowed near them.Quote:
Originally Posted by Williamsmith
just food for thought and your dad probably won't end up on a med that changes his entire personality, I was just lucky.
I am so sick of hearing I am Irish and all that that means. I am actually half German, quarter French, quarter Irish. I was born ten minutes before St Patrick's Day. I have to eat corned beef and cabbage every damn year and I hate both. We only talk about being Irish, it's absurd. My dad says it's because my great-grandfather came here as a young immigrant and had to make a life for himself. Just like my 3 other great-grandparents. Ridiculous. To the point that they were Protestants and my grandmother converted to Catholicism for her marriage, she became the arch enemy but that was fine because above all else we are Irish.
Preach it! Amen, sistah!Quote:
Originally Posted by freshstart
My parents joined an all-Irish social club because their best friends belonged. Our family name is one that could be Irish, but isn't. I always thought they were perpetrating low-level fraud :D until I found a fellow named Parker in the family tree who had come over from Ireland as an indentured servant. DNA testing shows I'm 3% Irish, so my parents have been vindicated and I'm free to enjoy corned beef and cabbage and warm green beer with supreme smugness on St. Patrick's day.
I just don't believe in racial or ethnic essentialism. You know?
Maybe the next time my mom goes on the Irish rant I'll say: "Maybe that is why there are so many alcoholics in the family."
Mine came back "not quite human as we know it".Quote:
Originally Posted by UltraliteAngler
Haha! Perfect!Quote:
Originally Posted by bae
I am Danish and German (although I do want to do that genetic test thing). I am more German than Danish but we follow Danish customs because they are the only ones we have. My grandmother went back to Denmark to visit cousins when I was growing up, but the other side of the family stayed firmly in the US. So I have one recipe from my grandmother, an aebelskiver pan, and we do our Christmas on Christmas Eve. I totally skipped out on the roast goose tradition thank you!
My ex's family has the family tree back to 1000. It is crazy, my step-MIL wanted to put the girls in the DAR when she married in. I said no thank you, his family was here on one of the first boats and apparently were not as big of ass**s as John Smith but I don't feel any connection. I could just imagine my combat boot/mowhawk daughters show up at the DAR, not sure it would be the dress code they were looking for.
I admit to being a product of this cultural wasteland. After my parents' DNA ancestry tests come back I will know where my ancestors came from. But that doesn't have any real effect on who I am.
I am still just a Merkan, I suppose.
Apparently 46 chromosomes is obsolete. Prepare to be assimilated.Quote:
Originally Posted by UltraliteAngler
Maybe somewhere in time she enjoyed the company of some Irish folks and traditions and she just liked it...they tend to be a jovial bunch.
She has never had an Irish friend that my sis or I have ever met. She lives in a town with 238 people in it -- all rednecks and pillbillies.Quote:
Originally Posted by gmpg54
Does he come visit you? Would he see it in your house or notice it is not there?
You may be worrying about something that will never happen; has he ever asked you about any of the things in those boxes he gave you?
He may forget all about what he gave you.
Think about trying the gadget out ONCE; that way you can honestly tell him you tried it out, along with a minimal comment such as "It's amazing the gadgets people are inventing nowadays, isn't it?" then kind of lead into related questions such as what he thinks about how things have changed over his lifetime. Get him talking. He will love the attention.
Above all, remember that the respect and attention you show him while you have the opportunity to do so is of utmost importance.
You can ditch it asap after you use it once and have this conversation. Or you can just read the directions so you can tell him how it works (even though you never actually try it out). Not necessary to go into that you actually don't use it. I recommend Salvation Army as they don't have a high overhead and it is a true non-profit unlike Goodwill. Or you can just give it to anyone who will take it.
I always tell my family that whatever they can't use or don't like, of what I get them as gifts, to regift, sell at a garage sale, or drop off at Salvation Army. And I tell them upfront that is what I do. They are used to it.
Gift giving really is a pain; I have managed to minimize it greatly amongst my family at least. But still working on it. "I don't need anything so don't get anything for me unless it was free or a regift, and don't expect anything from me because I may not find anything by the side of road you will like, and also I am saving up for an international trip. Maybe I will bring you some nick nack back in the local market there".
If you have to go through this a few more years, just say thanks, Dad, and use it as an opportunity to interact with him, which is really all he wants. Or keep it around for a year then ditch it.
He visited a handful of times last year and the year before. So I expect the same this year.Quote:
Originally Posted by Packratona!
Just last night he asked be about it on the phone. He is very excited about the gift he gave me that I don't want. haha
I am fairly certain he'll ask about it all the time. And if I give him attention about the gift then it will prompt him to give me more gifts.
I mean, last night on the phone he said: "Did you get the chance to try out your Xmas gift?!"
By him asking if you used it yet, now part of this I can see from your dad's side, me being a mom to finicky teens. I don't like handing out gift cards or cash every year or for their total present. I like them to have something to open even if the odds are 50/50 of whether I nailed their taste. So I can sort of understand your parents feeling like you can't just come over and be given nothing. and this is a reflection on them, not you. They are holding themselves to a standard that is not appropriate for you but in their minds they are doing the 'right thing'.
just a guess of how they see it
Welp... Dad plopped another gift on me. Yesterday he gave me a small, high-powered flashlight. I did not ask for it. I never mentioned such a thing. And I already have a flashlight (I use it for night fishing).
So I think he is going to have to learn the hard way: No more gifts.
I am just going to immediately give them away. And when he asks, I will tell him so. I think at first it'll feel like a punch in the gut to him. But he'll learn.
I don' t understand why you seem to be so mean spirited towards both your parents. I understand you grew up in a hoarding household, but for your own sake you need to let it go.
Your mom takes great joy in thinking she's Irish (and now you've proved she is). You couldn't wait to prove her wrong, even though it affects you none. Your dad obviously wants a closer relationship with you and gives you small things he thinks will fit into your lifestyle, and you can't wait to do the equivalent of "punching him in the gut". He's being kind, and you just want to be mean in return.
Why?
Uh... seriously? Growing up in a hoard is a form of abuse. It is the kind of thing that follows you for life, to one degree or another. And while I am not perfect, I have done a lot to overcome. And I largely have. To call me mean-spirited is a gross exaggeration. Sometimes spiteful, yes. Mean-spirited? Puh-lease!Quote:
Originally Posted by herbgeek
Oh, wise one... tell me how to "let it go." haha
She is 20% Irish. But I'd actually say she is American.Quote:
Originally Posted by herbgeek
Oh but it does affect me! She annoys me with it often.Quote:
Originally Posted by herbgeek
Let's be real for a minute. How does someone establish a closer relationship with someone? By showing up! Putting the time in! That is how it is done.Quote:
Originally Posted by herbgeek