Calling heath department on hoarding parents?

[pinkytoe]

I am dealing with elderly in-laws in their 80s (not hoarders though) but they should no longer live or drive by themselves. No amount of calm discussion makes them even consider trying any other option and they get very offended if the topic even comes up. I am advised that as long as they are "of sound mind" that we cannot really do anything to force the issue. They are adults making their own decisions until unfotunately something happens like a bad fall or car accident. Seems like if it is a really bad situation with your parent's hoarding, that neighbors or someone anonymous would call them in on a code violation. That's what usually happens in my hood when people let their houses or yards go awry.

[Ultralight]

I am dealing with elderly in-laws in their 80s (not hoarders though) but they should no longer live or drive by themselves. No amount of calm discussion makes them even consider trying any other option and they get very offended if the topic even comes up. I am advised that as long as they are "of sound mind" that we cannot really do anything to force the issue. They are adults making their own decisions until unfotunately something happens like a bad fall or car accident. Seems like if it is a really bad situation with your parent's hoarding, that neighbors or someone anonymous would call them in on a code violation. That's what usually happens in my hood when people let their houses or yards go awry.

That is definitely an unfortunate situation with your in-laws. Something bad could happen to them, and then to know it could have been prevented...

The problem with my parents' neighborhood is that they live in a "pillbilly" town. Rural, 238 people. Lots of drugs. Lots of domestic violence (none between my mom and dad though). Numerous other people in the neighborhood live just as filthy. But I don't want my parents living that way. My sister really does not want them to live that way. She aspires to have a normal middle class life and her crazy, hoarding parents often stand in the way, especially with her wedding in September.

[bae]

So if your offspring made a "threat" like that, why would you see it as a threat?

Because you issued it as a threat. "If you don't do X, we'll call the authorities". That's a threat. Of force. Of lethal force actually, if followed down the chain far enough. People, especially elderly people, don't respond well to threats typically, it gets their back up and then you've probably lost the opportunity for rational discussion and coming up with a solution.

[Ultralight]

Because you issued it as a threat. "If you don't do X, we'll call the authorities". That's a threat. Of force. Of lethal force actually, if followed down the chain far enough. People, especially elderly people, don't respond well to threats typically, it gets their back up and then you've probably lost the opportunity for rational discussion and coming up with a solution.

I want to clarify that I have not actually said this to my parents. I have only thought of saying it.

My sister has done the rational discussion thing, which goes nowhere. My dad will not talk to me about it. Not that I have tried much with him. And my mom goes into immediate hysterics when the topic comes up.

[iris lilies]

Op I feel so sorry for what you are going through, but there is little you can do. You have already taken the proactive steps necessary, stepping back. You and you sister can both have a normal life, it will just have to be with minimal contact with your parents.

with no pets or children in the house, I would be able to say to myself, this is how they choose to live, so be it. Think about the final act, what will that be? Really if both of them are dead or institutionalized, cleaning out these places isn't that big a deal. Hire industrial dumpster, chuck it all in. Done.

I know that sounds overly simplistic to the point of absurdity and I suppose that it is. But if they have a little bit of money to accomplish this in their estate, not a big deal.

What happens to the pets is a bigger problem. can you convince them NOW to not take in any more pets? That way the pets will age out.

[bae]

My parents are in their late 60s. Is that still elderly? I am not sure what senior services is. I will google it.

If your area has a "family resources center" or some similar organization, it'd probably be worthwhile to drop in and have a chat with them to find out what is available in your neck of the woods for working through these sorts of problems.

[iris lilies]

These situations with elderly parents are very difficult. But. Treat them like any other boundary making interaction--set your own boundaries as to how much help you will give when the inevitable Bad Thing happens.

me--I am already looking forward to my last residence, a tiny place of 2 rooms with a patio for potted plants. And a cat, either inthe building or my own cat.

adults of sound mind get to live with their decisions about their lifestyle and residence. No guilting or shaming about "helping them" would be taken seriously by me.

DH's sister is in her 50's and she has multiple health problems and is largely incapacitated for physical work. Her husband, older by a decade, has dementia. Guess where they live!!!? Out on a farm!

Guess what they've got on the farm!!?? Dog. Cats. Chickens. Maybe still some bigger livestock, I don't know. They've got land that needs to have crops put in. And harvested. She cannot drive due to ill health. She will not ride with him in a car thinking he's not safe (yet he is still on the road. ) And on a tractor. She calls a taxi in from town for all of her transportation.

what makes me angry is that they have all the money they need to hire help or to buy a simple place in the bigger town, or to do BOTH. They could play at beings farmers and still have a clean an cosy town abode. Money is no problem!!

But they will not budge. Madness. Their son has a full time job and a wife with a full time job and a young family. They expect too much of him in helping with this no win situation.

[Ultralight]

Op I feel so sorry for what you are going through, but there is little you can do. You have already taken the proactive steps necessary, stepping back. You and you sister can both have a normal life, it will just have to be with minimal contact with your parents.

with no pets or children in the house, I would be able to say to myself, this is how they choose to live, so be it. Think about the final act, what will that be? Really if both of them are dead or institutionalized, cleaning out these places isn't that big a deal. Hire industrial dumpster, chuck it all in. Done.

I know that sounds overly simplistic to the point of absurdity and I suppose that it is. But if they have a little bit of money to accomplish this in their estate, not a big deal.

What happens to the pets is a bigger problem. can you convince them NOW to not take in any more pets? That way the pets will age out.

I don't even want to think about the pets. I have a rescue dog and a soft spot for dogs. I also like cats. But there is no way I could afford to take them all in. I wonder how I could bring this issue up to them? If the pets don't "age out" then many might meet the needle, which is heart wrenching.

Could I say: "You two are not going to live forever. What will be done with your many, many cats and dogs when you solve The Great Mystery?"

My dad has told my sis that he will be leaving a small chunk of change to her, along with some valuables like firearms. Perhaps that will be enough to cover the remediation costs. But the house could be condemned. I have known of fire departments doing controlled burns. My sis and I joke (darkly) that we could donate the house to a fire department and they could train new firemen in a controlled burn situation.

[Ultralight]

If your area has a "family resources center" or some similar organization, it'd probably be worthwhile to drop in and have a chat with them to find out what is available in your neck of the woods for working through these sorts of problems.

This is a good idea. I think I will do this.

[Ultralight]

These situations with elderly parents are very difficult. But. Treat them like any other boundary making interaction--set your own boundaries as to how much help you will give when the inevitable Bad Thing happens.

me--I am already looking forward to my last residence, a tiny place of 2 rooms with a patio for potted plants. And a cat, either inthe building or my own cat.

adults of sound mind get to live with their decisions about their lifestyle and residence. No guilting or shaming about "helping them" would be taken seriously by me.

DH's sister is only 58 years old and she has multiple health problems and is largely incapacitated for physical work. Her husband, older at nrpearly 70, has dementia. Guess where they live!!!? Out on a farm!

Guess what they've got on the farm!!?? Dog. Cats. Chickens. Maybe still some bigger livestock, I don't know. They got land that needs to have crops put in. And harvested. She cannot drive due to ill health. She will not ride with him in a car thinking he's not safe (yet he is still on the road. ) And on a tractor. She calls a taxi in from town for all of her transportation.

what makes me angry is that they have all the money they need to hire help or to buy a simple place in the bigger town, or to do both. Money is no problem. But they will not budge. Madness. Their son has a full time job and a wife with a full time job and a young son. They expect too much of him in helping with this no win situation.

This just sounds like total craziness! Recklessness. Why?! You know? Why...?