The slow fade?

[catherine]

Loved your story, freshstart.

[JaneV2.0]

People are imperfect. Most of us do the best we can most of the time. As we get older, we realize this.
I agree with the idea that many of us feel we were "assigned" the wrong family. I certainly feel that way. Oh well.
Excellent post, Freshstart.
I used the belt and suspenders method for years, too. Fortunately, it didn't fail me. Talk about hypervigilance!

[CathyA]

Freshstart..........you bring up a good point about antidepressants and other brain chemicals that can help us now, that weren't available back then.
I often wondered if my father had taken them, if he would have been a kinder/gentler/less hateful, angry man.

His mother didn't like him........she resented him because she was ill a lot and had him "later"in life (probably in her late 20s!) and his older sister had to drop out of high school to help her take care of him. He hated my mother and me, but liked my brother. But then he also idolized some other women. I guess my point is, there are so many variables into why people end up being good/bad/or tolerable parents.

I was always afraid to have children, for fear I would despise them..........after all, aren't children just a royal pain in the ass (according to my father)? But instead, I think I was a very good and loving mom. But.....I didn't have to work outside the home, or be the bread-winner, so I can't say what effect that would have had on my interaction with the kids. I hope it wouldn't have changed anything.

There's just so many variables.....
Funny how some people can "escape" their upbringing and have different attitudes/traits/relationships with people, while some others continue the abuse later in life with their own families.

Work towards being different than your dad, ULA. Use his example to help guide you. Like they say.......everyone is here for a reason..........even if it's to set a horrible example.

[catherine]

His mother didn't like him........she resented him because she was ill a lot and had him "later"in life (probably in her late 20s!) and his older sister had to drop out of high school to help her take care of him.

That's heartbreaking. I remember seeing a Steven Sondheim interview on 60 Minutes. He had a very difficult relationship with his mother, but when she was dying he went to her deathbed hoping for some kind of peace between them. But instead of any conciliatory words, she told him that she wished she never had him. I remember the pain on his face as he was relating that story, and he was not young at the time of the interview. I think that kind of thing always stays with you. I'm sorry for your father, CathyA, but I'm also sorry that the "sins of the grandmother" fell upon you, too. But it's very apparent that you have done just the opposite with your kids, so you deserve kudos for that.

[Ultralight]

Work towards being different than your dad, ULA. Use his example to help guide you.

I try to live by this:

“The best revenge is to be unlike him who performed the injury.” ― Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

[Ultralight]

I remember seeing a Steven Sondheim interview on 60 Minutes. He had a very difficult relationship with his mother, but when she was dying he went to her deathbed hoping for some kind of peace between them. But instead of any conciliatory words, she told him that she wished she never had him. I remember the pain on his face as he was relating that story, and he was not young at the time of the interview.

Link?

[catherine]

Link?

Can't find it.. wish I could.

[Ultralight]

This American Life segment about parenting.

http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/317/transcript

[Ultralight]

One of my firm rules in vehicles is that handguns guns stay in holsters and don't get handled unless there is some Pressing Need.

It wasn't clear from the original post if "waving a gun around" was involved, but still...

It was basically just pulling it out, showing it off, and then passing it from the front seat to the back and then to the front again while I am driving through a residential area.

[CathyA]

I'm sure that at the various ages in history, showing love/support, etc., varied a lot. If you're struggling for existence, you don't have the same feelings as when you are safe, fed, secure (as parents). Even in the 1950s, there was a lot of difference between how people treated their children. (What am I saying.........there still IS a lot of difference). As the saying used to go......."Children are to be seen and not heard". Everything seems to swing from one side of the pendulum to the other. I think you CAN be too soft on your child too. But......you can be firm, yet let your children know you love them and are there to protect them.

I really believe in Maslow's hierarchy of needs. If you don't get past having one type of need fulfilled in childhood......then you'll be stuck there in your interactions with adults.

I’m reading the book “Toxic Parents”. It’s very good. As the author points out, the behavior of parents isn’t just limited to one specific parent…..it’s like a multi-car pile-up. It goes back generation after generation after generation. As I mentioned earlier, my father treated me badly………and his mother treated him badly, and one or both of her parents probably treated her badly, etc. etc.

It’s not easy to deal with the hurt/damage from mistreatment by parents…….but you have to try, in order to not carry on the tradition of that “multi-car pile-up”.