Giving up the story

[rodeosweetheart]

Redfox said something really interesting in a recent post (don't recall where, sorry) about relating to people and giving up your story about them. I was struck by this and have been thinking about one of my sons in this way, the one I tend to worry about the most. She said to give up the story you have created in your mind, and then see what happens.

It is proving very interesting, and forgive me, Redfox, if I have gotten this wrong.

So I am thinking this might be a good spiritual practice for me for Advent, to ech day (?) try to mindfully do this with a different person or event from my life?

And Redfox, if you can explain any more on what you were saying, I would really appreciate it.

[Spartana]

I also think this is a greatr idea. We all sort of stereotype most people based on age, gender, race, looks, and so much more. Making assumptions about their lives, habits and personality to a large degree. When ex-DH and I lived in Anchorage, Alaska we had 2 elderly neighbors next door. I had sort of "pegged" them as being a certain way but once I took the time to find out about them - wow! Was my stereotype of "older" people changed. They climbed mountains (the hubby had even climbed Everest along with a host of other big peaks), the wife was a nurse who had spent most of her life being airlifted to very remote arctic settlements where she had to often parachute down in storms with medical supplies and stay for months at a time until a plane could land. All sorts of other things. Even in their 70's they were still extremely adventerous and athletic. I've experienced that "new view" about others often once I put aside my assumkptions about them and really talked to them and find that most people are nothing like they seem at first glance. So while I do still catch myself stereotyping (and of course others do it about me too) I am very aware of it and give myself a good knock up side the head to stop it.

[redfox]

Redfox said something really interesting in a recent post (don't recall where, sorry) about relating to people and giving up your story about them. I was struck by this and have been thinking about one of my sons in this way, the one I tend to worry about the most. She said to give up the story you have created in your mind, and then see what happens.

It is proving very interesting, and forgive me, Redfox, if I have gotten this wrong.

So I am thinking this might be a good spiritual practice for me for Advent, to each day (?) try to mindfully do this with a different person or event from my life?

And Redfox, if you can explain any more on what you were saying, I would really appreciate it.

Wow, rodeosweetheart! This is something that my sister has taught me. She's a long time - 30+ years - meditator. It's kept her sane, according to her. She & I both read the books that Pema Chödrön write, and this concept is a big part of her teachings. It's also core to the work of Byron Katie, who is a very interesting woman.

Here's how I approach this in my life... and believe you me, I struggle with it! Let me take the example of my stepkids' mom, who has been my self-described nemesis for many years. Here is the story I have told about her: when I think of Lynn (not her real name!), I get defensive, bristly, angry, unhinged. She is a terrible mother. She damaged the kids (now young adults). She is crazy. She is abusive. We had to repair the wounds they received because of her neglect... etc. I can cite so many circumstances that "back" this up.

Ok... really? She's all those things? Exclusively? Who do I serve when I tell this story? Who do I hurt? How does this make my life better? Who does she become if I simply drop my story line about her? Who do I become when I do this?

“If we begin to surrender to ourselves — begin to drop the story line and experience what all this messy stuff behind the story line feels like — we begin to find bodhichitta, the tenderness that’s underneath all the harshness. By being kind to ourselves, we become kind to others. By being kind to others — if it’s done properly, with proper understanding — we benefit as well.
“So the first point is that we are completely interrelated. What you do to others, you do to yourself. What you do to yourself, you do to others.” — Pema Chödrön, from her book Start Where You Are, via Heart Advice.

http://shambhalasun.com/sunspace/?p=24601

I highly recommend the book Start Where You Are, a Guide to Compassionate Living, and The Places That Scare You, by Pema.

[awakenedsoul]

I have a neighbor who always tries to bait me to talk about another woman across the street. I don't take the bait. I think she's heard one side of the story and now she wants to hear mine. I just don't want to waste energy on past conflicts.

It also helps to think about how you feel when people label you. It's really just their judgements. I always feel better if I'm doing something creative and focusing on a goal. Then the other piddly stuff doesn't matter.

[Xmac]

Wow, rodeosweetheart! This is something that my sister has taught me. She's a long time - 30+ years - meditator. It's kept her sane, according to her. She & I both read the books that Pema Chödrön write, and this concept is a big part of her teachings. It's also core to the work of Byron Katie, who is a very interesting woman.

Here's how I approach this in my life... and believe you me, I struggle with it! Let me take the example of my stepkids' mom, who has been my self-described nemesis for many years. Here is the story I have told about her: when I think of Lynn (not her real name!), I get defensive, bristly, angry, unhinged. She is a terrible mother. She damaged the kids (now young adults). She is crazy. She is abusive. We had to repair the wounds they received because of her neglect... etc. I can cite so many circumstances that "back" this up.

Ok... really? She's all those things? Exclusively? Who do I serve when I tell this story? Who do I hurt? How does this make my life better? Who does she become if I simply drop my story line about her? Who do I become when I do this?

“If we begin to surrender to ourselves — begin to drop the story line and experience what all this messy stuff behind the story line feels like — we begin to find bodhichitta, the tenderness that’s underneath all the harshness. By being kind to ourselves, we become kind to others. By being kind to others — if it’s done properly, with proper understanding — we benefit as well.
“So the first point is that we are completely interrelated. What you do to others, you do to yourself. What you do to yourself, you do to others.” — Pema Chödrön, from her book Start Where You Are, via Heart Advice.

http://shambhalasun.com/sunspace/?p=24601

I highly recommend the book Start Where You Are, a Guide to Compassionate Living, and The Places That Scare You, by Pema.

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[Wildflower]

Another poster here, Din, has always said your whole life is just a story you tell yourself. You create your own reality. Interesting concept... I think he got this from Eckhart Tolle. I could be wrong though.

[Zoebird]

I've been working on this with a lot of things in my life. Definitely not easy.

[redfox]

I've been working on this with a lot of things in my life. Definitely not easy.

As my sis would say, what would happen if you dropped that story line?

[Zoebird]

nothing, really.

i think that, for me, that's part of what moving was about. it's symbolic in a way. always a new start, and whatever was before no longer exists. it's not relevant. so, you're just you now, and going forward -- whatever that will be as well. possibility to re-create.

still, patterns are entrenched, and that's what takes time to untether.

[sweetana3]

When my mom died our whole family story about their perfect marriage and the lack of divorce in our family blew up. Mom was married 3 times and they had kept the secret for over 60 years. Made me question all the family stories. These other "stories" had kept our family apart all our lives.