Quote Originally Posted by rodeosweetheart View Post
Redfox said something really interesting in a recent post (don't recall where, sorry) about relating to people and giving up your story about them. I was struck by this and have been thinking about one of my sons in this way, the one I tend to worry about the most. She said to give up the story you have created in your mind, and then see what happens.

It is proving very interesting, and forgive me, Redfox, if I have gotten this wrong.

So I am thinking this might be a good spiritual practice for me for Advent, to each day (?) try to mindfully do this with a different person or event from my life?

And Redfox, if you can explain any more on what you were saying, I would really appreciate it.
Wow, rodeosweetheart! This is something that my sister has taught me. She's a long time - 30+ years - meditator. It's kept her sane, according to her. She & I both read the books that Pema Chödrön write, and this concept is a big part of her teachings. It's also core to the work of Byron Katie, who is a very interesting woman.

Here's how I approach this in my life... and believe you me, I struggle with it! Let me take the example of my stepkids' mom, who has been my self-described nemesis for many years. Here is the story I have told about her: when I think of Lynn (not her real name!), I get defensive, bristly, angry, unhinged. She is a terrible mother. She damaged the kids (now young adults). She is crazy. She is abusive. We had to repair the wounds they received because of her neglect... etc. I can cite so many circumstances that "back" this up.

Ok... really? She's all those things? Exclusively? Who do I serve when I tell this story? Who do I hurt? How does this make my life better? Who does she become if I simply drop my story line about her? Who do I become when I do this?

“If we begin to surrender to ourselves — begin to drop the story line and experience what all this messy stuff behind the story line feels like — we begin to find bodhichitta, the tenderness that’s underneath all the harshness. By being kind to ourselves, we become kind to others. By being kind to others — if it’s done properly, with proper understanding — we benefit as well.
“So the first point is that we are completely interrelated. What you do to others, you do to yourself. What you do to yourself, you do to others.” — Pema Chödrön, from her book Start Where You Are, via Heart Advice.

http://shambhalasun.com/sunspace/?p=24601

I highly recommend the book Start Where You Are, a Guide to Compassionate Living, and The Places That Scare You, by Pema.