Discipline. (Growing up and as a parent).

[Mrs-M]

LMAO LC! Hmmm, points to ponder. (Thinking of my own kids now after what you and Iris said). It's funny, but long before I had children I had a pretty fair idea as to how I was going to raise them, and holding true to one of my strong convictions came spanking, however after a life-altering/changing event related to my youngest son along with the kindheartedness and care of a few of the members (old forum) to help direct me towards a new path and leave spanking behind me, I scratched it off my list of favoured methods. Last spanking in our house, oh, about 3 (or so) years ago!

[mira]

My parents were fans of physical punishment, shouting, groundings, washing mouths out with soap, throwing things and generally just instilling fear into us. And I was scared of my dad, in particular. Any little thing would set him off. He's much calmer now and I know he regrets being so quick-tempered with us. His father was the same, so I suppose he just naturally took on those behaviours. I'm only 27, so it was hardly all that long ago.

I remember one time when I was maybe six or seven, I rubbed my dad's toothbrush in the soap after he'd made me 'wash out my mouth' with it. He was not pleased.

Having taught kids of all ages, I know how easy it is for me to lose my temper when they misbehave... BUT I also practised being conscious of this and trained myself to take a calmer approach and see the lighter side of it all. I don't have any kids of my own yet, but let's just say I do NOT want them to be scared of me or feel they are constantly walking on eggshells (as I did...). And I'm certainly not going to vent my own lack of control/frustration on them by resorting to physical violence. Fortunately my partner is a very calm man who never raises his voice, so hopefully he'll help me out!

[Mrs-M]

Good morning Mira. Reining kids in back in the day really was over the top wasn't it. I still see parents coming completely unglued and unhinged while out in public. Somehow, even though it's not me making a spectacle of myself, I still feel embarrassed.

My mom was sort of like that with us kids. She'd fly off the handle and go on a tirade of sorts, hollering and laying down the law. I sometimes think she actually woke up certain mornings and said to herself, "today is the day". LOL!

The most memorable (and funny) escapade was when baby brother was around nine or ten and mom went in to give him a "what for". She had the spanking stick (paddle) in her hand and only got to #2 on the spanking count when the stick broke! I should mention, baby brother was no longer a baby, he was well on his way to becoming a big boy and he promptly laughed mom right out of his room!!! It was a victory of sorts for us kids. We ALL had a good laugh that day!

Sometimes I blame my own upbringing on why I used spanking with my first four kids. (Monkey see- monkey do mentality). But with me I was more the "huff and puff type". (Lots of posturing and kicking up dust)! LMAO! Then occasionally a spank or two on a padded butt. Nothing serious. So glad those days are behind me now.

Sounds like we have identical husbands. My husbands presence is more than enough to settle anyone down, such a teddy bear he is. Sometimes my oldest daughter can get pretty excited and she'll get standoffish with my husband, and in a quiet and passive voice my husband will say- "honey, that's just the way it is". The end.

[Float On]

My parents were pretty strict. But I know that mom could spank both me and my brother, but dad could only spank my brother. I still don't like those bouncy balls tied to a paddle toys because that was what my mom used. I think after about age 8 discipline transfered to more farm chores and when I was rebellious in high school it was either grounding me from my truck or if I'd been drinking at a party I'd get an early wake-up call from my dad to join him in the woods for a day of cutting firewood (chainsaw and hangover is punishment enough).

Discipline with my boys has been different. I can really only remember 2 times I actually spanked one of the boys and I only used my hand. I tend to lean towards the adding extra chores if needed but to be honest these guys make a lot better choices than I did growing up. We'll see what happens in the next few years - I'm sure there will be something to put us to the test.

[Bootsie]

I was never spanked and I can honestly say I've never heard my mom raise her voice to anyone, ever. (And she's not a meek person.) My dad didn't spank either. He did raise his voice, but it was rare...and you wanted to be FAR AWAY when it happened. I would describe my parents as strict about our behavior, but they didn't hit or berate us into compliance. I do remember my parents "grounding" me from certain friends and activities....and they were right to do so, but I don't really recall any other punishment. When I started going down a wrong path as a teen, they both made sure I was busy doing other things to keep me away from the trouble. They saved me from problems in their own strong and quiet way, and in hindsight I'm seeing they were really good at it.

Since I wasn't spanked as a child, it doesn't occur to me to spank my kids. I've never had the urge to hit them. My husband was spanked quite a bit as a kid and there has been times when he struggled with the urge to spank. I give him lots of credit for breaking that cycle. Unlike my mom, I do raise my voice on occasion. My DH rarely raises his voice, but he lectures on and on and on and on and on blah blah blah blah blah. (I don't think the lecturing is effective, but that's his style and I leave him to it.)

[Mrs-M]

Good morning Float On and Bootsie! FO. The bouncy ball-paddle toy story made me laugh! Those seemed to be R-E-A-L-L-Y popular among moms when I was growing up! Those, and wooden paint sticks!

Sometimes I'd get on a- "I'm going to whip you guys into shape" kick. (Untidy/messy rooms were my thing). I'd march said kid or kids off to their room(s) (more so the boys) and after seeing them into their jungles, I'd give them a stern warning. "You got 5 minutes to get this pigsty cleaned up- or else"! Then I'd go have a cigarette and 5 or 10 minutes later return and get down on my hands and knees and help them!!! LMAO! So much for my strictness!

Always used my hand whenever I spanked too. (Just enough to knock the dust out of ones pants)! ROTFLMAO! Diapered butts were the best. Lots of padding and those rubber pants popped the loudest drum-beat!!! The other kids would scatter when they heard that sound! Ha-ha-ha!!!

Bootsie. I don't recall much in the way of groundings or restrictions as a kid, and dad pretty much stayed out of it (things), allowing mom to take hold of the reins and do as she pleased- and do as she pleased she did! LMAO!

When I hear stories of parents breaking the spanking cycle, that makes me happy. It's so easy carrying on from where ones parents left-off. Tradition, at least for me is/was such a strong temptation. However, when I dropped "pants dustings" in my home and redirected my focus on using other forms and means of bringing my kids back in line, the results were miles better than the old, so there really is something to be said about spank-free homes. Definitely builds a more healthy environment.

P.S. More and more I'm really liking the added or extra chore(s) rule. I'm going to work on that one and tailor a program specifically for use in my own home. Thanks for that!

[mira]

My mom was sort of like that with us kids. She'd fly off the handle and go on a tirade of sorts, hollering and laying down the law. I sometimes think she actually woke up certain mornings and said to herself, "today is the day". LOL!

This cracked me up!

[Mrs-M]

Hi Mira. Laughs are always good, and that's what I was hoping for with this thread. A chance for all those who are interested to drop by for a chat and to share their experiences and methods and ways. This has been a really helpful and enjoyable thread.

[artist]

Discipline when I was growing up was mostly spankings and groundings. Arbitrary punishments that taught us nothing other than how to avoid getting caught. Dh had a similar experience during his childhood.

When my son came along we decided that we were going to do something different. We opted to make sure that discipline actually ment the teaching of something. So when we disciplined it was a skill building action. Something that taught our child to do better then next time he encounted a similar situation. Instead of arbitary punishments which teach nothing, we chose instead to allow natural/logical consequences to fall where they may and held our son to the making of restitution for his mistakes. If he broke the rule regarding the use of his cell phone then he lost the priveleges for a time. With that came the need to make restitution by paying for extra charges out of is own pocket.

When younger, if he broke a lamp because he chose to use the couch as a trampoline, he would loose the privelege of sitting on the couch for awhile. He'd have to sit on the floor, on a bean bag chair, kitchen chair etc.. but not the couch. He'd also be responsible for paying for the repair or replacement of the lamp.

Dh and I are on the same page so that helps.

Ds is now 17 and a HS senior. This method still works effectively and ds respects our decisions regarding restitution. Natural/logical consequences also help him to see the need for the rules and to respect them as well. Most recently (about a year ago) we had a problem with him not getting home when expected with the car. He lost driving priveleges and for a while had to have us drive him around.

[Mrs-M]

Hi Artist. I like consequences over punishments way better too. (Noticed big change with my kids when I introduced consequence). With my last three kids I used consequences with them (more so than the other kids) and sweet success it was.

My kids all liked going shopping with me because 9 times out of 10, they got a treat or spoiled in some way or another while out, but misbehaving got them restricted to the house under the care of a babysitter and no treats or spoiling. I think I may have instated my- "you'll be staying at home today with the sitter" clause twice. Quick learners they were!

The bonus part (for me) regarding consequence, was that it was so rewarding for me to hand-down. Oh how I hated spanking! Sounds like you're on the right track. So nice to see. Thank you so much for dropping by and sharing.