Ultralite that is so funny. I also grew up going to Catholic school. My mother loved it because it saved so much on clothes. I think I wore the same two jumpers for all those years, mom just kept lengthening them. She only had to buy blouses and shoes. For 26 years I worked a job with a uniform. To this day I'm not comfortable with a lot of clothes.
Oh I think I have an example of that too.... My grandmother had several strokes, my grandfather got hit in the head by a car, the family had to move them out of their big house into a little 1 bed/1bath cottage Sr assisted living unit. My grandmother wanted all her things and was loud and demanding (the stroked changed her personality). There wasn't possibly room for everything. Dad asked her if he could give me one of her rockers (she had 4). She cried and yelled and finely said "OK, but it was only on loan, I had to give it back when she could move to a bigger house." Everytime I saw her, she wanted to know how I was taking care of her rocker. She passed about 3 months later and grandpa lived another year with brain damage. 18 years later I still consider that grandma's rocker, not mine because it wasn't a gift....just on loan.Originally Posted by Chicken lady
Float On: My "Happy Place" is on my little kayak in the coves of Table Rock Lake.
This made me laugh, thinking about a some stories. One is how people always say you can't take it with you and how I once saw someone who disagreed. (think it may have been a comedian) They stated that a check for the total of the value of the estate was placed in the pocket of the dead, and if they wanted the stuff they could just cash it.
Chickenlady, thanks for the links. One issue when talking about science, is without sources are we really doing any different then throwing out stuff, or things like astrology? (I am guilty of it as well, as some has been presented so much, we no longer look for or question the sources)
To those of you who are hoarders or recovering hoarders and have spouses. How would you feel and/or react if your spouse decided to get their own place?
Umwow. Define "get their own place"
If you mean actually move out, that would be a crisis point. I can't imagine being married to somebody I didn't live with. I would want to fix it. But if he had threatened to move out when it was at the worst, I don't think I would have believed I could fix it. I think I would have just given up and I would now be a very fat, lonely, broke person living in squalor like a pack rat (the actual animal).
I do, however, understand the neat to live in a clean, open space. We have a yours/mine/ours system.
Upstairs the study is his - sparse, clean, open. I literally ask permission to bring anything in with me (coffe cup, book) if I go there to spend time with him. Bedroom and bathroom are "ours" they are more cluttered than he would like - mostly because I am working on clothes issues so there are often baskets of clothes on the floor. The top of his dresser and his nightstand are almost empty. My dresser and bedside shelf are messy and cluttered. There is too much stuff on the bathroom vanity. There are things that are purely decorative that he could do without.
Downstairs the Dining porch, livingroom, kitchen, guest bedroom that used to be ds's room, and powder room are "ours". They fluctuate, but right now I think they are pretty good. The kitchen is the worst with a sewing machine, file box, ice cream maker, and several boxes and stacks of paper on surfaces and in corners. Also the sink is full of dirty dishes and the counter is covered with produce waiting to be processed.
The bedroom/bath/sleeping porch area is currently shared by me and dd2. It's messy and cluttered, but no worse than your average kid's room right before somebody gets to spend Saturday cleaning up.
The basement is " mine" and it's pretty bad. Not " hoarders" bad anymore, but definitely "clean house" bad.
Yes, I meant like if a spouse were to say: "I am not okay with this situation. I am getting my own apartment and moving out. We'll still be married and spend time together, go on date nights or whatever, but I am not willing to live like this."
Well, that would not have worked for me. I would be sleeping at his apartment. And when the kids lived here, they would also have been sleeping at his apartment. And the kids would have brought their stuff, so basically we would be moving and keeping the current house as a very expensive storage unit for my stuff.
For me and for dh, married is "all in". "I am not willing to live like this" is a starting point for figuring out how we can work together to change "like this.". Also there is a difference between "willing" and "able". I have always been more willing than able to fix the hoarding.
Expecting a sudden giant clear out is like looking at your sedentary spouse who weighs 300 lbs and saying. "There is a marathon next month. If you don't place in the top ten, we're over." On the other hand, if you truly care about that person, You might say "look, I'm worried about your health. What can I do to help you get more exercise and lose some weight?". Maybe you go for a walk together. Maybe you try some healthy recipes, maybe you cheer for them when they tell you they lost two pounds or swam ten laps without stopping, or whatever. And maybe some day they run a marathon. Or maybe not. But the point is, you don't let the situation reach unbearable without talking. So that when you have the conversation, you are no further than "the worst I can stand" and then hopefully, together, you move away from that.
Very compelling response! Interesting analogy in there too.
Your husband moving out would not have worked for you, and probably not for him because of the kind of marriage you have. It seems like you have one seriously solid marriage.
But do you think the move-out option would be good for other couples possible?
What about a situation where a couple was preparing to get married and merge lives but one was a hoarder and the other was an SLer/minimalist? And the SLer/minimalist was like: "We can get married, but I will always have my own place because I want to be clutterfree and whatnot." ...?
What would have happened if your kids, when they were teenagers just said: "I am not living like this." and attempted to move out?
If these questions are offensive then I sincerely apologize. I am asking out of curiosity. Sometimes I think that my dad would like to change his way of life majorly. But my mom just won't allow it.
I obviously worry that I could end up in that boat someday. Too deep in a relationship with a hoarder. Then what?
When they wre teenagers? I would have paid for the apartment! I am only partly kidding. Actually, my kids have a variety a friends with many different lifestyles and spent a lot of time at other houses as teenagers. Some of their friends also spent a lot of time here. I have also generally respected their space as I do my husband's.
I can't speak for other couples. My dh works with a guy whose wife lives in another country. The guy goes home for two weeks every three months. They sound happy. I can't imagine that.
I'm a teacher of small children. I don't find curiosity offensive. Not even from people who ask things like "why is your butt so fat?" if they really want to know.
My oldest daughter is a minimalist and she has a lot of issues about stuff from living with me. She and her boyfriend moved in together when he only had a sleeping bag and a duffle bag of clothes. Her name is the only one on the lease and she told him that if it ddn't work out he was leaving and she would get a new roomate. Recently due to some major family events he has acquired a lot of stuff. When they were loading the u-haul, she looked at him and said " you understand, this changes things. If we unload this in the house and things don't work out, *i* will be leaving and you will be taking over the lease. Can you do that?"
So I guess I feel like what you are really looking for is relationship advice. The only qualification I have to give that is a sucessful relationship of 29 years - almost 25 of them married. And i'd say communicate. Often. Honestly. And have a lot of really good sex.
Last edited by Chicken lady; 7-16-15 at 11:34am. Reason: Autocorrect
Well, okay...! And LOL!When they wre teenagers? I would have paid for the apartment! I am only partly kidding. Actually, my kids have a variety a friends with many different lifestyles and spent a lot of time at other houses as teenagers. Some of their friends also spent a lot of time here. I have also generally respected their space as I do my husband's.
I can't speak for other couples. My dh works with a guy whose wife lives in another country. The guy goes home for two weeks every three months. They sound happy. I can't imagine that.
I'm a teacher of small children. I don't find curiosity offensive. Not even from people who ask things like "why is your butt so fat?" if they really want to know.
My oldest daughter is a minimalist and she has a lot of issues about stuff from living with me. She and her boyfriend moved in together when he only had a sleeping bag and a duffle bag of clothes. Her name is the only one on the lease and she told him that if it ddn't work out he was leaving and she would get a new roomate. Recently due to some major family events he has acquired a lot of stuff. When they were loading the u-haul, she looked at him and said " you understand, this changes things. If we unload this in the house and things don't work out, *i* will be leaving and you will be taking over the lease. Can you do that?"
So I guess I feel like what you are really looking for is relationship advice. The only qualification I have to give that is a sucessful relationship of 29 years - almost 25 of them married. And i'd say communicate. Often. Honestly. And have a lot of really good sex.
Your daughter sounds really cool!Good for her.
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