Misconception: Minimalists don't care about people.

[catherine]

So, Kestra and IL, I never thought of putting it in my will that the house/belongings must be sold and then proceeds divided up. That's a great idea. Based on our horrific situation with a) losing vast amounts of money on my MIL's primary residence and b) being locked out of significant income potential due to the emotional issues surrounding a house that she (not wisely, in hindsight) bequeathed jointly between her two sons, I do NOT want to saddle my children with real estate.

My DH feels such resentment over this unwritten expectation that we will "take care of" his brother, which means, we can't kick him out in good conscience. It's an ongoing issue that there is no easy answer to.

Plus, BILs house is still loaded up with her stuff (she died 5 years ago) and he has made no move to sell or get rid of any of it. It's like Miss Havisham's house in Great Expectations. This is not a middle-aged man's home.

Edinburgh crystal, anyone?

[Ultralight]

And I would find a bike date way more appealing than a car date any day. Just saying.

It is interesting. I have asked female friends, women I have dated, female acquaintances, etc. if they would date a guy without a car. They almost universally say: "No way!"

Then I spin it on them and say: "What if the guy was an ardent environmentalist who rode a bike?"

The answer they return the volley with is almost always something like this: "I'd respect him for his convictions. But that is just not the way I want to live. So no, I still would not date him."

Intriguing, no?

The first conclusion that everyone jumps to about a guy who does not own a car is that he is some busted, crumb-bum with no money, no job, and no future prospects.


I am a little ashamed to admit that a main reason I bought my car (back in 2013) was that I wanted to date! haha

[ApatheticNoMore]

I dated a guy without a car, I said I admired it as cars were destroying the world anyway (but was not going to give mine up - so of course not having a car was admirable compared to my hypocrisy but hey).

Truthfully he had no car because he had no money (and was often halfway trying to save up for a car) but never pretended otherwise (and no prospects? well ... no immediate prospects, but really it's hard to tell, he did have a college degree for all that - though not a marketable one so did a job that didn't need one). I guess the main reason I want a car is how necessary they are for job searching and starting new jobs even though you can of course eventually move close to work. They do make social life easier. All of this could be done much more inconveniently with rental cars I suppose. Since driving significant distances everywhere is a pain (no matter how nice your car) and there's traffic everyday but Sunday and sometimes then, I wish people lived more locally and while a few do, most don't seem to (at least if they aren't settled down, married, with kids).

[rodeosweetheart]

OP, maybe the answer is to find a different girlfriend, one who agrees with you?

[Ultralight]

OP, maybe the answer is to find a different girlfriend, one who agrees with you?

LOL!

I'd sooner capture the Loch Ness Monster!

[Kestra]

If you are a guy then having no car, no real bed, and no own place pretty much destroys your dating life.



Really? How'd you all swing that kind of understanding?



So true! If I could have all the money back I spent on 1st dates in the past couple years... I had a nice IRA! haha



Seriously?

Re: my family - remember, I'm second-generation weird. On one side the grandparents decluttered quite well before their death. (My dad's dad had this wonderful tiny home on one of his son's property's for his last few years. They'd pretty much given up most of their stuff when they sold the family farm. My mom's mom had tons of stuff and it was a huge burden to my mother to deal with all that. My parents were the weird ones in their family with all the eastern philosophy stuff, so objects don't hold a lot of meaning. They currently have quite a lot of things (big house) but they realize that it's almost all worthless and that none of the kids want it. They are slowly downsizing.

About the wills, yes, my ex and I did the same thing. If the other was alive they'd get everything - so all the big things - house, car, etc. But at second death, it's all converted to cash. He had trouble with his siblings taking more than their share of valuable possessions when his dad died, so we both agreed it was better to liquidate and split the cash fairly. Even now we're still each other's executors and have an arrangement to divvy up the money to each other's family/friends should we die suddenly.

Maybe being car-free is more common here. Winnipeg definitely has a hippie-vibe. I'm delighted to find out that someone is car-free or car-lite. I want someone else who also likes to walk a lot and live more centrally in the city. I avoid men who need status-symbols like the plague.

[catherine]

It is interesting. I have asked female friends, women I have dated, female acquaintances, etc. if they would date a guy without a car. They almost universally say: "No way!"

Then I spin it on them and say: "What if the guy was an ardent environmentalist who rode a bike?"

The answer they return the volley with is almost always something like this: "I'd respect him for his convictions. But that is just not the way I want to live. So no, I still would not date him."

Intriguing, no?

The first conclusion that everyone jumps to about a guy who does not own a car is that he is some busted, crumb-bum with no money, no job, and no future prospects.


I am a little ashamed to admit that a main reason I bought my car (back in 2013) was that I wanted to date! haha

I think you have to look at the big picture. Some women may very well see red flags if a guy doesn't have a car: i.e. "He's going to be dependent on ME." Sorry, not sure if it's anthropological, but many women do NOT want a guy who's dependent on them for basic things.

OTOH, if a guy is resourceful, and self-reliant, and doesn't have a car on principle but doesn't need one, that's a different situation. I'm thinking of some of my permaculture acquaintances who are 100% in it. I can respect that. I can't muster as much respect for people who find it convenient to "allow" other people to provide for them while they shun the very things they gladly accept--when it suits them. I've known a few of those people, too.

[JaneV2.0]

In theory, I might date someone without a car since I have one. Or if I lived somewhere like New York where one was more trouble than they were worth and a person could rent if necessary. But since I'm not particularly interested in discussing the evils of technology with a latter-day Ted Kaczynski ad nauseum, I would first want to reassure myself that his carlessness was not ideological (or a result of DUIs or something), but strictly a practical matter. That's just me. YMMV.

[Ultralight]

I think you have to look at the big picture. Some women may very well see red flags if a guy doesn't have a car: i.e. "He's going to be dependent on ME." Sorry, not sure if it's anthropological, but many women do NOT want a guy who's dependent on them for basic things.

OTOH, if a guy is resourceful, and self-reliant, and doesn't have a car on principle but doesn't need one, that's a different situation. I'm thinking of some of my permaculture acquaintances who are 100% in it. I can respect that. I can't muster as much respect for people who find it convenient to "allow" other people to provide for them while they shun the very things they gladly accept--when it suits them. I've known a few of those people, too.

Good points here! When I imagine my car-free life (some day!) I imagine having a Car2Go membership that I rarely use and rarely accepting rides from people. Why? Because I don't like driving or being a passenger. Being a passenger gives me a hint of noticeable anxiety. I trust no one! haha

[kib]

It's possible that half sister (and possibly also your GF) equate stuff with people. Not that stuff is people, but that it's a direct physical manifestation of the deceased person (or living person.

This.

I think the reason so many of us suffer over Stuff is that we're on the fence. We don't really want these things, but we feel a personal connection between the things and the people they belonged to, or in the case of the living, the people who gave them to us. The things represent the people and they're physical proof that we loved someone, we had communion with someone, and they loved us back. Frankly, bless the fire that allows us to purge the stuff without having to deal with the sense that we're cutting people out of our hearts.

Feeling that way about inanimate objects when you want to be streamlined and unburdened is ... a pain in the neck. I envy the minimalists who have avoided this (probably learned) attitude, or whose intellectual clarity about unnecessary junk clearly over-rides any emotional clamor.

Maybe sentimental tattoos are the 21st century answer to an attic full of relics?