How to convince my girlfriend she does not need to go on pricey dates?

[Alan]

I'm not sure what this even means, unless it just means being horny or something (ok maybe 30 something is a woman's sexual peak, that I could believe).

[freshstart]

Uh... have you not heard the incessantly-repeated phrase "I don't even need a man! I'm an independent woman."?

What is humorous is how that phrase and similarly worded phrases are used on internet dating sites. I talked and went on so many dates with women who would say that to me: "I don't even need a man!" or, with slightly more tact: "I don't need a man, but I want a husband someday who'll be a father to my kids." Uh...what?!

It was jarring.

yeah, heard it, then had baby without marriage, and changed their tune to "this sucks, I am getting screwed because I tried to be an independent woman!" when they find themselves fighting for custody, paternity and child support.

[freshstart]

A very close friend of mine told me, at age 37, that she values having a baby more than her husband. She lamented his lack of understanding. I asked: "Did you tell him that you'd rather have a baby than him? Did that motivate him to 'try' more often?"

Strange situation...

wouldn't that motivate him to walk out the door?

[Ultralight]

wouldn't that motivate him to walk out the door?

Probably... but I cautioned her to hold her tongue. Maybe when the baby fever passes she'll be happy to just have a supportive husband who fixes stuff, grows a garden of delicious veggies, takes care of their dogs, works steady, and puts up with her totally intense schedule as a pediatrician. She has lots of nieces, nephews, and such in her big, close family.

[JaneV2.0]

Maybe that hormonal motherhood thing is a function of the MEST gene. I suspect not everyone has it; certainly it doesn't run strong in my family. I never had the slightest twinge of "baby fever." But if I did know I wanted a baby, I'd plan carefully for one and consider artificial insemination by someone known to me, if marriage didn't come easily or naturally.

It seems to me distasteful to glom on to the nearest man in some panic-stricken race against the clock. I get that two loving parents comprise the gold standard, but I've known women who chose not to marry the father of their children for various (good) reasons, and those children are happy and healthy. A solid extended family can work wonders in such situations.

[Ultralight]

You know, the more I think about it the more I have no clue what my gf really wants regarding marriage. No clue.

Is she being quiet and "waiting?" Or is she older now and is just "over it."

[freshstart]

Noteworthy on the vasectomy issue: A few women I went on dates with told me -- either outright or subtly -- to consider getting a "secret v-sec" if I did not want kids because otherwise I'd never meet someone because I was up front about not wanting kids. They obviously sent me on my way, but this was their parting advice.

I heard that, too, the men would say they were told that. Many of them realized this was kind of good advice, say you do not want children so much so you've had a vasectomy, date ends. Hopefully he put the money he saved on his "imaginary" vasectomy into his 401k

I used to help by BFF, a man, find appropriate women his age and demographic on Match, he was 55, 5'5", chubby, a little Mr Magoo with his vision, old acne scars, but he was a lawyer and that got him dates with what frankly, looked like Russian Brides for Sale. He could never "keep" these women and could not understand why. He loved art, literature, poetry, fine food, romantic trips, classical music, interior design. His dates liked the fine food but bailed after one romantic trip. And he'd start all over. Perusing women 25-30 on Match who were hot and not looking to marry or even date him. he'd get a few dates because he's a lawyer but that can't overcome being 30 yrs older, 4" shorter and she gets none of you clever references. It took two years of convincing and trial and error, he met and married a wonderful, beautiful woman his age with her own career and loved him for him, not his assets.

I have no idea what my point was, I had one and forgot it

[Ultralight]

I heard that, too, the men would say they were told that. Many of them realized this was kind of good advice, say you do not want children so much so you've had a vasectomy, date ends. Hopefully he put the money he saved on his "imaginary" vasectomy into his 401k.

No, they suggested I get a secret v-sec and then just be like: "I dunno why you're no preggers, hun! Guess we'll keep trying..."

Point is: They thought my romantic situation was hopeless! haha

Other women told me, as parting advice: "Date a single mom. Then she already has a kid and it is not yours! And a single mom will be very appreciative to have you."

What?!

[Ultralight]

I used to help by BFF, a man, find appropriate women his age and demographic on Match, he was 55, 5'5", chubby, a little Mr Magoo with his vision, old acne scars, but he was a lawyer and that got him dates with what frankly, looked like Russian Brides for Sale. He could never "keep" these women and could not understand why. He loved art, literature, poetry, fine food, romantic trips, classical music, interior design. His dates liked the fine food but bailed after one romantic trip. And he'd start all over. Perusing women 25-30 on Match who were hot and not looking to marry or even date him. he'd get a few dates because he's a lawyer but that can't overcome being 30 yrs older, 4" shorter and she gets none of you clever references. It took two years of convincing and trial and error, he met and married a wonderful, beautiful woman his age with her own career and loved him for him, not his assets.

This is an important lesson all men should learn: "I don't get all the women I want. I get all the women that want me." -- David Lee Roth

If you are not a rock star that translates into: "You get very few!" haha

[freshstart]

It seems to me distasteful to glom on to the nearest man in some panic-stricken race against the clock. I get that two loving parents comprise the gold standard, but I've known women who chose not to marry the father of their children for various (good) reasons, and those children are happy and healthy. A solid extended family can work wonders in such situations.

or even a circle of friends.

I don't think I have a very strong MEST gene. I was equally happy to try for kids or not, had them, they are wonderful and beyond what I ever imagined but I can picture a life without children (leaving my emotions and deep love for my own children out of this) being fulfilling and satisfactory as well. I had kids young, when said friends started with baby fever, a part of me wondered if this was just a thing in your 30s and I'd have it too. Never did and I'm glad, we are good with what we have in each other.