And obsessing about it. This is bound to get old for both of them.Originally Posted by iris lilies
And obsessing about it. This is bound to get old for both of them.
No, I keep it to myself.
Whatever works in their relationship I guess.
But it has struck me how odd the guy paying is when your just getting to know someone, I feel like paying creates debt as in you've now created an obligation to this person (in the anthropological sense I guess). Not really in a crude sense "ok you've bought me a latte, I guess I'll have to show you my bedroom ...". But in the sense of guaranteeing a relationship actually comes of it, but I can do no such thing when I'm just getting to know someone, but it does suck to decide after several dates "I don't think we're a match" and the guy has paid $100 or more by then. No not splitting the bill makes me very uncomfortable. Of course splitting it is odd, if your not sure it's going to be split and your in a situation where they guy has positioned himself in line in such a way that the body language and everything else is such that it says "I'm paying" and he doesn't and your just there in the odd quiet "uh, uh ... " blank stare at the cashier.
Trees don't grow on money
Another reason I'm happy I started my relationship long distance. We were forced to deal with this head on and find out how we'd pay for shared expenses before we even met in person, and were able to make sure right away we were similar in our preferences in this area. Me: "So, our first date is going to be almost $800. I'm only comfortable with splitting that 50/50. How do you feel about that?" He was fine with that, and paid me back his portion of my flight to the cent, rounding up (even though I told him I could care less about an exact 50/50 split, especially as he paid for more things while I was visiting) very quickly. Money-test complete.
Note, I would have been uncomfortable with paying any more or less than 50%, in this situation (very early in the relationship). I don't believe in the man paying more just because he's the man, and am generally quite opposed to that practice as I believe it sets a bad and uneven precedent for the relationship, before it even gets going.
Why? As woman, why?
Probably because Kestra isn't burdened by outmoded gender roles.
I should reverse the question on you: Why should a man pay more?
But I'll explain a little more. You've already seen a portion of my long feminism rant, but the others haven't. So I'll try to keep this briefer and on topic. Generally I feel a relationship should be as balanced as possible. Women have jobs and money too. The days of women not working are long gone. Women often make more money than men. Just financially/fairness speaking I think expenses should generally be shared proportional to income. However in a new relationship 50/50 makes the most sense. Each person should be trying to show the other that they are an adult and active partner in the relationship. They should both be able to take care of the other, should the need arise. I'm not interested in men who think that their money is more valuable than mine, or that it is more important that they have a job, than it is that I have a job. Also I don't want any sense of obligation: if he pays for something, do I owe him anything? Do I need to go on a second date that I pay for, even if I don't want to? I think the first date(s) should directly reflect the type of long-term relationship you are interested in. Otherwise, how are you able to judge compatibility? And you are setting a false precedent. I don't think either party should be suddenly changing the rules. Be clear from the start and you won't have to waste time with the wrong types of people.
I actually don't think that the man should pay more. But that change in norms could benefit me. I'd be paying less. I have what you might call a vested interest.
You said this:That is an interesting question. I know some men think women owe them. But I don't really feel like I am asking anything in return for paying for date night. Well, except maybe that the other two Saturday nights a month not be date night -- that would be way, way too pricey! hahaAlso I don't want any sense of obligation: if he pays for something, do I owe him anything?
It's not really about the money.
I'd think you'd have a bigger vested interest in living in a society that treats people fairly and doesn't discriminate on the basis of gender.
As I indicated in an earlier post, I agree with Kestra. It's all about common sense. If you both have an income, and a desire to be together, why not share the cost of the fun? And if one person makes more and another person makes less, why shouldn't that be taken into consideration? And if one person wants to do one thing in particular, why shouldn't that person pay for it, while the other person can pay for something that they are particularly into? To me it just makes sense.
"Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it--every, every minute?" Emily Webb, Our Town
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