Recovering hoarders?

[Ultralight]

...when she likes something she buys it and displays it.

This is THE distinction between hoarder and collector, as I am sure you know.

Hoarding I think must contain some sort of strong emotion toward the items to be true hoarding and a true issue within the mind. My friend doesn't understand why I refuse to collect and why I keep my items way down. The mind chatter I get over items is enough to keep me from letting much in my house.

Hoarding is broken into groups by some researchers. For instance, there is sentimental hoarding. People attach emotion to an item and can't let go. There is also instrumental hoarding. People cannot toss something because they swear it is useful!

I think I am mentally at risk of a triggering event causing me to hoard in earnest. I've always just had a sixth sense that I could easily end up that way due to a mix of strong introversion, and a stubborn refusal to appear needy and ask for help for anything ever.

You could be at risk. But remember this, perhaps this could even scare you straight, once you become a hoarder your odds of ever overcoming it are so incredibly unlikely. You have much better odds of getting hooked on heroin and kicking it than you do getting hooked on hoarding and kicking it.

[RoseQuartz]

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[Ultralight]

When I was going thru the stuff in our garage, I realized that dh and I do have some hoarding tendencies around specific items. For me it's textiles. Linens and fabrics for the sewing projects that I continue to believe I will complete some day (soon). This morning it hit me that maybe part of the issue is that my mother was an amazing self-taught artist. She could create some pretty amazing things across several mediums, whichever were available to her, and sewing was one of them. Unfortunately, she was not a generous or loving woman and she never shared her talents or skills with her kids. In fact, I tried my hand at sewing when I was in high school and I remember her laughing and ridiculing my one and only attempt.

So you might want to know, hoarders are often creative types -- artists and crafters. If you have this trait, and a handful of other hoarder traits... that is probably not a good combo. I will also say this: Having a mom like you describe is another factor that could trigger people to hoard. A detached or neglectful or just plain mean parent can make a child more connected to possessions than people.

Now I have this notion that I should be able to create things I want but part of me still has that emotional fear of... something...(failing? being humiliated? realizing I suck? fear of the pain of being inadequate?)

I have failed at numerous things I tried. I put lots of time and resources into things and failed. I can assure you that you will come out mostly okay. Another possible outcome is that you will be mediocre. For instance, I learned to fish like a champ. I am a fishing success. I attempted to learn to hunt waterfowl. I was not very good at it -- using the calls was hard, really hard for me. There were other parts of it I was not good at either. But in 2015 I decided to learn to dance. I can do a handful of moves, but nothing too fancy. Just enough to blend in on a dancefloor -- so I am mediocre. How would you feel about just being mediocre?

I want to try, but I'm afraid to try. So I keep several plastic bins full of fabrics that I imagine will become great looking projects some day. I don't know if it would be healthier for me to just chuck everything and realize that I can buy anything I need pretty cheaply at Ross, and be done with it. Or if I should face the fear and stumble my way through learning the ways of sewing.

What other hobbies and interests do you have?

Now dh has a thing for all things related to building things which I guess is common enough but he also has this thing about wanting to save every last container. Jars, tins, boxes, bottles and bags are stuffed into his designated garage wall. I respect his things and I won't touch them, but all that stuff does give me the tight claustrophobic feeling when I look at it. I think for him it's a throwback to growing up in deprivation and need - the idea of throwing out these things is emotionally hard for him.

This sounds like instrumental hoarding. It is important to reconsider the rationalization that this is a result of your husband's deprivation growing up. There is no evidence so far in the research of hoarding -- no correlation or causation -- regarding deprivation and hoarding. Your husband may just have the mental illness of compulsive hoarding.

And if he does... then you have some tough questions to ask and answer yourself.

[Ultralight]

... knowing a person is less likely to kick hoarding than heroin is very disturbing.

I have some friends who are social workers and therapists and such. And when I point this out they are very dubious. But then if they go and do the research they are like: "Oh, he wasn't making this up." haha

[RoseQuartz]

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[Ultralight]

Oh I believe it. I think it's similar to losing weight in that it's very hard. Because you can't totally avoid stuff or food. You can structure your life to totally avoid heroin.

Yup.

But what about this...

You cannot avoid food. You have to eat it. But can you avoid, let's say, cupcakes? Like... you eat carrots, tuna, apples, etc. but you totally and completely avoid cupcakes.

I wonder if a hoarder could think to themselves: "I have a problem hoarding ___________. So while I have other stuff, my shoes, my silverware, etc. I simply will not keep any more __________ or acquire anymore __________!"

And that cuts down on the hoarding? I doubt that would ever stick. But it is a thought.

[RoseQuartz]

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[Ultralight]

It is a thought, but by avoid I meant like not having it thrust into your field of vision at all to be tempted. Avoiding cupcakes would work if you didn't need anything from the baked goods section of the grocery store and averted your eyes at the end caps where the vile Little Debbies and cheap confections hang out. Now I want a cupcake.

My thought on recovering hoarders is this:

Until there is a magic pill invented by the big drug companies (that certainly will have plenty of nasty side-effects) hoarding is a problem that will have to be policed either with a "harm reduction" strategy or by removing the person's hoard and then providing them with around the clock supervision.

[ApatheticNoMore]

maybe i'll do that compact thing for a year, but i'd buy something first .

I'd probably exclude clothes, if you do that people assume it's because your a clothes horse, but it's actually because i'm the opposite, i hate clothes shopping and have a tendency to get down to a total of 3 shirts i wear at times or something, so i'm not even keeping up with minimal social norms of having even a weeks worth of clothes at that point, so i think i need to force myself to at least keep up to those types of norms (hey i'm not living in a cave).

I don't think i'm a hoarder, i am messy though. but i did get kicked into slightly more materialistic behavior than my VERY unmaterialistic behavior before, by the trauma i found job hunting to be - i had to take a break from it for awhile too as i was near a breakdown. Deaths didn't even trigger me into collecting or anything, i just mourned, but you can't exactly mourn the stresses of job hunting - so at a certain point I had no resources left to deal with the ever mounting anxiety. I'm employed of course, I just need to get something better, but easily get overwhelmed.

[Ultralight]

maybe i'll do that compact thing for a year, but i'd buy something first .

The Compact is so friggin' cool! I want to do it.

I'd probably exclude clothes, if you do that people assume it's because your a clothes horse, but it's actually because i'm the opposite, i hate clothes shopping and have a tendency to get down to a total of 3 shirts i wear at times or something, so i'm not even keeping up with minimal social norms of having even a weeks worth of clothes at that point, so i think i need to force myself to at least keep up to those types of norms (hey i'm not living in a cave).

I dislike shopping across the board. Grocery shopping is tolerable. Clothes shopping is a nightmare.

I don't think i'm a hoarder, i am messy though. but i did get kicked into slightly more materialistic behavior than my very unmaterialistic behavior before, by the trauma i found job hunting to be - i had to take a break from it for awhile too as i was near a breakdown. deaths didn't even trigger me into collecting or anything, i just mourned, but you can't exactly mourn the stresses of job hunting - so you can have no way to deal with the anxiety.

I am "messy" in a way too. And this can be just one symptom of hoarding -- you tend to organize things horizontally rather than vertically.

I put stuff on flat surfaces -- counters, coffee tables, etc. This way I can see it.

This is very common among hoarders. My mom does this. My dad does this. I do it. My sister does not! Which I am glad to know.

But by being a minimalist I have few enough things that being messy and/or putting things on surfaces instead of "away" takes like 5 minutes of clean up.

A hoarder would let this stuff pile up because they acquire more and more. Then wham! Hoardsville.