Can you tell me about this? I mean, what happened? Was it incredibly painful for you? For her?Originally Posted by bae
Can you tell me about this? I mean, what happened? Was it incredibly painful for you? For her?
My sister was a criminal, in an abusive relationship with her husband.
They robbed my parents and I multiple times. Her husband made credible threats of violence against us, sufficient to get a protective order.
She sold off several of her children to support her "lifestyle". She killed several others in the womb when her plans to sell them didn't work out. I ended up raising the two she kept, as she basically dropped them off on my doorstep moments before the police dragged her and her husband off for a while.
So I very politely arranged to not ever have her or her husband in my life in any fashion, as I did not want to bear the risk they presented towards my child and wife. Once the husband had been dead for a decade (apparently someone told his drug-dealing buddies that he had scammed where he was hiding...), and my sister had lived on the straight-and-narrow for a similar-ish length of time, and my child was safely out of my home, in order to keep my mother from weeping so much, I will now say hello to my sister via email/Facebook, or be at a restaurant for an hour or so with her, not in my home area.
Some people are beyond toxic, they are outright dangerous. If I'd seen the husband within a few hundred yards of me during that period, I would have ended him.
Oh Bae, don't blame you at all. Did her kids turn out ok? I really hope so.
Bae, I am very sorry you went through that. Her kids were damn lucky you took them in.
The two she kept turned out "relatively OK", though they have some issues they are still dealing with. They could have turned out far far worse. The ones she sold to be adopted out turned out much better, but they had stable loving families throughout their whole development. My sister has reformed herself, but I'm unlikely to ever be close to her again, nor put myself in a situation where she could injure me or my family.
My poor wife almost committed herself to an institution she was so destroyed by something my sister did.
Not going to happen again.
A few years ago (while my sister was still very unreliable), my mother, who lives on this remote island as well, where my wife and I moved in part to escape the danger presented by the sister/brother-in-law, invited the sister out for a few weeks to stay with her. In her house. Which I own.
I told her if she ever did that again without warning us in advance so we could be elsewhere, I'd either evict her, or we'd pack up and move to Europe and not leave a forwarding address - her choice...
It leads to troublesome family dynamics where you have a parent who doesn't want to disown their child opposed to two parents who don't want their child and spouse endangered. There's not really a good outcome likely.
my brother can be a very emotionally destructive person and he is never there when he is needed. My shrink has been telling me to do what Beckyliz says to do for years but I just can't do it. Even after when I was just out of the hospital and my dad had fallen and had 3 brain bleeds and had just gotten out of the hospital, he was confused, kept falling and he's a big guy. I pleaded with my brother to come home for a few days to help me get him off the floor. Not a single response. I vowed then I would cut him off but I relented the next time he came here.
I did do the slow fade, he was too self-absorbed to even notice I was gone.
how clueless is your shrink? I mean most people if they had been pushing something for years and it hadn't happened, wouldn't keep trying (that's different than encouragement where you just push people a bit further than they are willing to go in something they kind of want to do anyway, which might be a more appropriate role for a shrink). You have your reasons and your lights and your inner wisdom (oh I'm not saying it doesn't make sense to cut people off sometimes, I'm just saying it's not what you've chosen. Shrink should just respect that already IMO.). Just if someone is dangerous stay safe.my brother can be a very emotionally destructive person and he is never there when he is needed. My shrink has been telling me to do what Beckyliz says to do for years but I just can't do it.
I don't think the point of any of these things is to get them to notice or get even (vengeance haha) but rather for oneself. Vengeance in these kind of personal matters is poison, self-protection (yes even if "just" emotional self-protection) is just that.I did do the slow fade, he was too self-absorbed to even notice I was gone.
Trees don't grow on money
I'm "slow fading" dh's mom.
i've had it. The woman has no empathy, she's cruel to dh sister in law, she made a huge deal about how horrible it was that she couldn't be there for Dd's wedding because we rescheduled it (for major location and financial reasons) and then when dh told her "if you want to sit down with me, I'll show you the pictures and tell you about it" she said "oh, I saw some of he pictures. I can look some other time." And went off to chop peppers for the salad we were going to eat in three hours - there were 9 other people free to chop peppers.
But now, dh uncle is really sick, he may die. He's very yellow, there is something going on with his gall bladder for sure but he isn't' communicating much. And she keeps calling to tell us he's dying, of cirrhosis. "He won't tell us anything, but I know it's cirrhosis. I told him if he didn't quit drinking (with dinner, and at celebrations, mostly wine, I've never seen the man tipsy) it was going to kill him. And now it is." And she sounds gleeful! She's so happy that she's going to be proven right. (And if he dies of say,pancreatic cancer, she will still tell the story of how he died of cirrhosis even though she told him to stop drinking every time one of us touches or mentions alcohol.)
and i can't stand it anymore. And she's so self absorbed, that as long as she continues to get gifts from us on the appropriate occaisions and I continue to show up with dh when he visits (which I will, because he wants to see his dad and it's my job to keep that woman at bay when he does.) She will never notice that I'm treating her like a rather rude stranger on a plane. So I'm kicking myself for not starting earlier.
Just to provide perspective, I was born into the right family and there has never been a relative on whom I want to practice the slow fade. But then, I am not very close to any of my relatives although I am fond of them. Perhaps my "fond at a distance" practice is serving me well.
I dont even mind my inlaws although FIL's girlfriend is a bit much. But fortunately I do not have to interact with her more often than once every few years. DH's siblings are on the hook to deal with her, poor them.
We try to avoid drama, both my side and DH's side are stable for the most part. Weve been fortunate to have few of the life stressors that bring out the crazy: health problems, addictins, money problems, death althought certainly we have some of all of them! Cant avoid it.
this is true and I had lost sight of that.
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