It is complicated. Like, really complicated. We are both old, he is in poor health and my guess is that we are far from unique. Everyone has stuff in their life that is like that. Just doing the best that I can, but to answer you, it is not my preference. I mean, I am not making excuses, it is just what it is, and I am trying to do the right thing. I shared only because feeling left out is a pretty universal experience, and I cannot imagine that anyone escapes it.
1. Identify what’s most important to you. 2. Minimize or eliminate everything else.
FLATLEAVERS!!!!
I would have felt left out as well. I've always been a bit of a loner, with different interests than others, but it still bothers me a bit when I'm left out of something, even if I wouldn't be interested anyway. We never outgrow this need to fit in.
During my Reflexology training weekend, at lunchtime people went off in groups to eat together. I sat near a pond behind the hotel and ate my lunch watching a blue heron wandering in the pond. An interesting lunch companion and something I would have missed if I had gone somewhere else.
I have stories like Juds' with my ILs. They would unusually insist that we come for some dinner, and so we woudl drive 1.5 hrs out of our way and get there at the designated time, to an empty house, and then about 30 minutes before dinner MIL would wander in and say that she'd just been at her neighbor-friend's for the last hour that we were at her house (and she had insisted on the time), and that FIL was out doing XYZ thing of his own, and so we'd basically sat in an empty house waiting for them, and then she made dinner, and FIL came home, and we'd have dinner, and then MIL would go for her evening shower and get ready for bed and FIL woudl go out to the garage and putter around. And so it was pointless.
If we weren't there when MIL arrived -- as one time i said "lets just go for a walk" -- then we get yelled at. If we left right after dinner -- before they'd left us to go upstairs and to the garage -- then we would get yelled at.
And one time we were invited to celebrate DH's birthday, which was alwas combined with his sister's (they being about 2 weeks apart in birthdays, though 3 yrs in age of course), and so we show up at the house at the time determined and no one is there. We wait for about 3-4 hours, and no one is there. We decide to go to dinner, because we were hungry, and this is the time before cell phones (or before any of us had one), and so out we went.
We returned to the house sometime before leaving town, and FIL and MIL were there (one in the garage, and one in her night clothes), and they asked why we hadn't just met them at the restaurant. They'd never told us which restaurant that we were going to, and besides, we'd been told that it was going to be at home, and that I was supposed to bring a dish. I'd brought the dish!
So, yeah, they are whackadoodle.
Please let's not judge the content within Jud's or anyone else's post on such emotional topics or we risk people not being willing to share due to being judged. Empathize.
Now having posted this, I wondered if I really understood the role of empathy myself so went looking online. I found this recent article that helped me a lot in clarifying my thinking so hope that it helps others. I might make an effort to follow his blog.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mike-r...b_1015610.html
I had a painful, but poignant phone conversation earlier this week with my wife Michelle. She shared some challenges with me in a vulnerable and passionate way. As I started to give her some of my "helpful advice" (as I often do -- being a man, as well as an author, speaker and coach, I'm fairly well trained at giving advice), she stopped me and said, "Can't you just give me empathy for me? That's what I really need right now. Once I feel your empathy, I can hear your feedback."
Her comment stopped me in my tracks. I got defensive and began to justify myself -- arguing that I did, indeed, have a lot of empathy and that she should be more open to my feedback. Needless to say, my defensiveness (and subsequent arrogance and self righteousness) didn't help things, and the conversation got worse before it got better, which it eventually did.
Michelle's feedback, however, registered with me at a very deep level. Although I "understand" the importance of empathy, teach it to others through my work, and have the capacity to experience and express a great deal of empathy with people around me, it's sometimes difficult for me to have empathy for the people closest to me, including myself, especially recently. Maybe you can relate?
Empathy can be tricky, particularly when we have an emotional connection (or attachment) to the people or situation involved (which we almost always do). It's also challenging to feel empathy when we feel threatened, stressed, or emotionally triggered (all of which we can experience a lot, especially with those who mean the most to us). And, empathy is sometimes misunderstood.
Empathy is NOT:
•Sympathy
•Pity
•Agreement
•Commiseration
•Endorsement
Simply put, empathy is getting into another person's world and connecting with them both emotionally and compassionately. We don't have to agree with them or fully understand them to be able to empathize. We don't even need to be able to relate to what they are experiencing specifically (although that can help). We just need to be present, connect with them where they are, and acknowledge what they're experiencing. Empathy for ourselves, while different contextually, actually functions the exact same way, simply turned inward.
The problem is that we often allow our egos, opinions and judgments to get in the way of our ability to experience and express empathy. If I agree with someone completely, can totally relate to them, and see things exactly as they do, it's quite easy for me to empathize with them.
However, if I don't agree, can't relate, have a very different take on the situation or actually think how they're reacting to things is potentially harmful for them and others, it's often very hard for me to be empathetic toward them and I also worry that my expression of empathy could come across as agreement or endorsement.
While it can be challenging, the power of empathy is essential to the health and success of our relationships and lives. It is a key element to our own emotional intelligence and well being. With the people closest to us, including ourselves, and the issues that mean the most to us, empathy is even more critical, but often more difficult for us to experience and express.
Here are a few things to remember and practice to enhance your capacity for empathy:
1) Ask yourself where empathy is missing. Take inventory of your life and relationships and notice where empathy may be wanted, needed, or simply missing. As you identify situations, relationships and personal matters that could use an increased amount of empathy, make a commitment to yourself to bring less judgment and more compassion to them.
2) Reach out to people in your life. As you identify specific situations and relationships where you could bring more empathy, reach out to the people involved and let them know. There may be an apology to give, an acknowledgement to make, or simply an admission that you want to bring more empathy and compassion (and less judgment, advice, self righteousness, etc) to your relationship. Start working to do that with the most important people in your life.
3) Ask how people are feeling and really listen to what they say. One of the best ways we can express empathy towards others is through our curiosity and listening. When people feel heard, seen, and emotionally understood, they often relax, open up, and feel supported. Asking people how they truly feel, what's really going on in their world, AND listening to how they respond (without judgment) are some of the best things we can do to express our empathy for the people around us.
All of these things also hold true with regard to having empathy and compassion for ourselves, which is essential in this process. Like most things in life, we can't give away what we don't already have ourselves. Self empathy is the foundation.
Everyone on the planet, including us, is almost always doing the very best they can in each moment. We're all just dealing with the joy, pain, growth, challenge, and more of being human. Remembering this allows us to cut ourselves and others some loving slack, and engage in life, in our relationships, and with ourselves with a deep sense of respect, reverence, and, ultimately, empathy.
Mike Robbins is a sought-after motivational keynote speaker, coach, and the bestselling author of Focus on the Good Stuff (Wiley) and Be Yourself, Everyone Else is Already Taken (Wiley). More info - www.Mike-Robbins.com
Juds, first off my appologies. I should not have told you what to do. I have had migraine trouble all week, and it does something to my brain-it becomes irritated and I become more impulsive than I usually am. That said, I actually can really relate to you. I have been happily divorced 15 years but was married to someone probably very similar for 19 years. Not to get too far into it, but I think he was mentally ill and I being somewhat socially naive I didn't realize that until too late. Most of those 19 years I felt I was supposed to stay, so I can understand. Take care of yourself tho, it is very hard and very lonely.Originally Posted by Juds
Back to the OP. Pony Mom, I can relate to what you said. I too am a loner and somewhat socially awkward and in some ways should be over not being included
but, it still hurts. It does remind me of Junior High.
How rude, and childish, too! I tend to be a loner, and probably would not have gone with such a group, but having to watch the goings on you described would be be hurtful to me, too. Kind of like rubbing salt into the wound, isn't it? I can only assume these folks didn't have anyone to teach them good manners, or else they wouldn't act that way, and the lack of good manners in the work world can be a real hindrance. There, now I have something to feel good about! No, honestly, back in the day when I was growing up, in a small town, if you weren't at least polite, someone, somewhere would call you on it (an adult), or report it to your parents.
I agree in principle that its a good thing to empathize. However the one big exception in my book, is when abusive behavior is being observed. I think its hugely important to let the victim of this know that this is not OK behavior. I think that's what people were trying to do here by speaking up. I've seen situations where people (usually women) just continue to take it, because they don't really realize/want to admit that it is wrong and should be stopped. Having a spouse who doesn't invite you to their own party, and gives you bogus directions so you don't show up is not a good situation. That's not acceptable. If that makes me judgmental, I accept that.Please let's not judge the content within Jud's or anyone else's post on such emotional topics or we risk people not being willing to share due to being judged. Empathize.
I agree. And I do want her to know that no, families are not like this. Married partners are not like this, and this isn't normal. I can't agree to "all couples are like this" by my silence.
I do empathise with her feeling of hopelessness in that she can't see a way to escape this reality. I really don't have any answers for her except maybe to tell this to a sympathetic friend or family member who could help her.
I was one of those people. When someone finally said to me, Are you SURE you want to spend the rest of your life doing this? I said of course, I made this commitment, but it started wearing away my "sureness". Sadly, very few people said anything about it not being ok to me.
i was commiserating in order to demonstrate that i can empathize with both the direct experience and also choosing to stick with those folks who have hurt us. At least, that was my attempt.
It's difficult to empathize online, because we only have words. So i find commiseration often works ok to demonstrate that.
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