I e-mailed my brother yesterday, and his wife, and she replied that they completely understand. She said, "We're not just family, we are friends, too." She thanked me for letting her know what our situation was.
I am so relieved. Again, thank you all for your support. It means a great deal to me.
Yay! Hope this is the beginning of a new type of relationship between you, and that it brings you all closer together.
lhamo
"Seek out habits that help you overcome fear or inertia. Destroy those that do the opposite." Seth Godin
That is so wonderful to hear!
My mom offered to give me money toward Thanksgiving desserts yesterday (other than the ones I will make myself) and I told her I felt there was far too much left over in other years, and it's best that we start cutting back/down. She agreed with me!
I'm in a similar situation financially, and I;ve noticed that it's mainly in conncection with relatives that I feel a bit embarrassed about it. Some deep pshycological whatnot, no doubt. But I can't let it change what I actually do. I'm acknowledging to myself that I feel how I feel, and then let the front of my mind make rational decisions.Originally Posted by ladyinblack1964
reader99, in my situation, I think it has something to do with being the grandchild of immigrants. As if there is something wrong with me because I didn't do well enough in the "land paved with streets of gold". When I was growing up, my parents always acted as though we were better than everyone else, and they looked down on my DH because he didn't have a "good job" and was actually in show business at the time (alas, the business failed). It wasn't till I took a college course on immigration in America that I realized this might be a big act to cover up their insecurity at being unwelcome in the U.S.
Also my sister is kind of a yuppie (if anyone uses that term anymore), my uncle has declared bankruptcy (which is a big secret as well as a mystery, because one cannot tell one iota of difference in lifestyle) and I could go on but there are plenty of family reasons why I feel a bit embarrassed.
I can see that, and it's always easier to work from a position of strength. So, it's too bad that we don't stop the silly gift giving now when we (the collective we) have money so that it's not so agonizingly embarrassing when we don't have money to play the gifting game.
Maybe your situation will inspire someone to stop the madness now even though they can, theoretically, afford it.
I have an update on this, and I'd love to hear your thoughts and opinions:
I guess I didn't make myself quite clear to my family. Because THEY ARE GOING AHEAD AND EXCHANGING GIFTS WITHOUT US.
Now, I don't know if this means 1) We get to sit there on Xmas like Tiny Tim and watch while they exchange right in front of us; 2) They will take pity on us and give us gifts anyway; or 3) That they have not told the children in the family that they won't be getting gifts from us.
My mom, at least, asked me and DH what we wanted, and when I told her we were opting out, she said, "I treat all my kids the same. I don't expect a gift from you, but I'd still like to buy you something." OK, that's cool.
I guess I didn't make myself clear: that I thought we should ALL stop exchanging gifts. Because my brother thinks everyone else should just "go ahead." Personally, I think it's selfish. Then again, perhaps *I* am selfish if I expect everyone else to do the same as I.
My DH says, "Surely you don't think so poorly of your family that you expect them to sit there and open gifts and ignore us." Yeah, I do.
Second, I don't WANT pity or charity. It's embarrassing enough that we're on food stamps and out of money. And I would have suggested putting the kabosh on the gift-giving even if I were working this year.
Thoughts?
MODS: Feel free to tell me to start another thread here.
Another thing that may deserve its own thread is that we are considering ot even going to my sister's for dinner. The last two years were disastrous, at least to me, emotionally. And Thanksgiving wasn't that great. For some reason, I get very, very wound up and upset the day or so before a holiday. Esp. if we are supposed to bring food items with us. I don't cook. My husband does but he is a Master Procrastinator and just being near the kitchen is upsetting because he'll be up all freaking night cooking because he's never prepared. Maybe we are procrastinating because we don't want to go? Prob'ly...
A quick edit: I wonder if anyone in my family is listening to me. Just got this e-mail from my mother. Now I realize she is 74 and her memory is slipping, but this badly?
"Also I got another look at Jillian's {my 15 year old niece} wish list. I believe you asked about it?
The items are from amazon and Victoria's Secret. If you call I could explain them, but if you're looking for a gift card, she mentioned American Eagle or Victoria's secret."
Just e-mailed my DSis and she says it's fine that we're not giving to the kids. Well, that's a relief...
I think that sometimes even when you want to not exchange gifts that there will still be some people who want to buy for you. You can just accept it in the true spirit of Christmas. Are you saying that you expect everyone else to not exchange gifts with each other because of your personal situation? I think that might be a little unfair or unrealistic on your part. I do understand you situation, because I had a year when I was unable to exchange presents. I'll never forget my sister telling me that she didn't give a present because she wanted something in return...rather she wanted to give me a present because she loved me! I have always remembered that...circumstances change throughtout our lives...family stays forever! You are in my prayers!
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