The Daily Peeve / Rant

[frugal-one]

Hopefully you learned your cart should remain in site, and I hope you hadn't left your purse in it. I don't think you need to call yourself that name though.

Obviously, my cart was in sight. I turned away to get an item. I NEVER put my purse in the cart. Can't believe people that do that! Also, cannot fathom people who leave their small children in the cart and go a few aisles away! Just asking for trouble!

ETA Will not comment on your inane remark.

[catherine]

So BIL came over last night--as you guys know, we're selling the house, but he's broke. He has 7k to his name. A minimum wage seasonal job. After having EVERYTHING provided to him by his mother for 47 years of his life, reality is kicking him in the gut. He's 53 and he definitely should be as freaked out as he is right now.

I've given him my copy of Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover, because even though I told him being able to get by is a simple mathematical equation--your outgo cannot exceed your income--I truly don't think he gets it. But he hasn't read the book and continues to complain and cry.

His "poor me" stuff is starting to grate on me, because he comes over and will say to us "Ahh! it's nice and warm in here!" (64)--he says his heat is now set at 58. Or he will sit down and say "Must be nice to have TV" (he cut his cable, which was wise, but we gave him an Amazon fire stick months ago and he still hasn't plugged it in. I don't think he knows how). Or, he will wander over to our refrigerator and open the door. He won't ask if I have anything specific. He'll just stand there and look, and when I'm not looking he'll take food or a soda or beer. Just weird stuff.

But last night when he was over, he sat and talked for 15 minutes about a friend of his, a beautiful girl half his age, whose mother is in advanced stages of colon cancer. They're in Costa Rica in hopes of an alternative medical cure, and she has a GoFundMe campaign. He was fishing and fishing for me to contribute (which I will not), saying, "I can't believe some people won't give her SOMETHING! Anything! If everyone just gave $30....I'd feel guilty if I didn't do that."

Then after he stared like a puppy dog for a half hour at an opened bottle of red wine I had sitting on my counter , I asked him if he wanted a glass and he says, "You read my mind. I like to have a couple of glasses of wine so I don't have to take Tylenol PM to make me sleep."

But here's the kicker: Out of curiosity, I went on his friend's GoFundMe page, and.... HE DONATED $300 TO HER YESTERDAY!!!! The same day that I went to pay HIS property taxes because he can no longer afford them. (The house is half ours, so obviously I have a vested interest in paying them.)

$300 is at least 25% of his current living expenses for one month. So he whines about food and heat and he gives away $300???

I'm venting here because I won't tell DH. He'll go nuts. Maybe I will later, but I'm keeping my mouth shut for now. Thanks for listening.

"God bless the child that's got his own."

Arghh...

[iris lilies]

Ah, catherine. Your BIL's money is his money, and also YOUR money is his money. You are the great and givIng mom, In his mind, anyway.

I was wondering about you taking the action, or inaction, of simply not paying the real estate taxes. How would that affect your bil's attitude? I don't know what will keep you from being exactly in this same place a year from now on December 31,2017.

While it sounds risky, it takes years for a property to get to the stage of a tax sale, here in my city anyway. At any point you can swoop in and pay the taxes, and penalties (which are minimal here) and get your property back. Sure, in the real world it is not something I would do because it is just too scary, but I know several people who pay their taxes a year after they are due. I look up property on on our city assessor's database and see these things.

[catherine]

Ah, catherine. Your BIL's money is his money, and also YOUR money is his money. You are the great and givIng mom, In his mind, anyway.

I know. I'm 11 years older, so he probably does see me as an extension of his mother. And she was such an enabler. I used to ask her, "why don't you make I.. pay SOMETHING toward food or heat?" (He would spend tons of money on food at high-end supermarkets and put it on her credit card). And she would say, "But I'd be spending the money anyway, if he weren't here." They had a symbiotic relationship--they each needed each other in their own way, so I think she "paid" him to be her companion in a way. But I knew her treating him as a perennial child would end badly, and it has.

However, I have enough children to care for, and they take FAR less caring for than this man-child.

To your point, IL, I will probably drag my feet on the next two quarters of property taxes. HOPEFULLY by then the house will be sold.

If I'm in the same place December 31, 2017, shoot me.

[Tybee]

I was wondering about those taxes. I think that is a problem, that you are supposed to pay them, since it is not really your house. It just seems like you have become the one keeping everyone afloat.
After a lot of kicking and screaming, I have been going back to Al-anon and it is really helping me with boundaries and this kind of family situation. I didn't really want to go but I am hearing things there that are really helping me to figure out what my part in a situation is/should be--what I want to contribute to a situation and what I don't. Hearing other people say things like "no is a complete sentence" has been really helpful to me lately, not sure why it's sinking in for me now.

[early morning]

Catherine, at least he gave money to a person he cares about for a medical reason, even though they are probably being scammed. When we were helping keep DBIL afloat, he bought a young woman who was living in to take care of his daughters a $300 Siamese cat. He could have gotten a free kitten of any sort, but no... had to be a purebred. While they were being evicted, and had little money for food. The young woman moved on with her boyfriend, DBIL and kids ended up in a hotel room, and the cat ended up feral. ARG!! FINALLY, DH has cut DBIL out of our financial picture. TG!

[19Sandy]

I thought it would be peaceful today since it is New Year's Eve, but people loading up more stuff to move - it must have been wall to wall furniture in that apartment! I should have told them about Marie Kondo! Plus, they said they are moving into a smaller! place! How?

Then other people are getting deliveries of stuff from appliance and furniture places - I feel like I live on a major highway right now!

Been having my weird headaches for a few days that are caused by the constant temperature fluctuations, and I can't seem to get motivated to do much unless it is late and night and quiet.

[catherine]

I was wondering about those taxes. I think that is a problem, that you are supposed to pay them, since it is not really your house. It just seems like you have become the one keeping everyone afloat.
After a lot of kicking and screaming, I have been going back to Al-anon and it is really helping me with boundaries and this kind of family situation. I didn't really want to go but I am hearing things there that are really helping me to figure out what my part in a situation is/should be--what I want to contribute to a situation and what I don't. Hearing other people say things like "no is a complete sentence" has been really helpful to me lately, not sure why it's sinking in for me now.

Thank you! I've been thinking about going back to Al-Anon. I think I still have a lot of lessons to learn!

True--I'm spending a lot on a house that's not technically mine, although I trust that DH and I will jointly decide how to use his share when it sells. But in my state, that's not a guarantee. I admit I'm operating on faith.

[Tybee]

I think you are a saint, and I wish BIL would stop taking advantage of that.

But then I just want you to sell both houses and get up to Vermont and fulfill my Golden Pond fantasy!

[rosarugosa]

Catherine: You have every right to be highly annoyed with your BIL! If the Grinch's heart is two sizes too small, then you (and my sister also comes to mind) have a heart that is two sizes too big. But I think there is no greater virtue than kindness. <3