50 Shades of Grey would seem to be a deal killer.
50 Shades of Grey would seem to be a deal killer.
well it does seem that if what is being really sought is a sperm donor anyway, it is better to seek it honestly. Something to be said for honesty. You would think all the must have a baby YESTERDAY (not eventually) would kind of interfere with the actual development of a relationship for a relationships sake and it's natural course.But if I did know I wanted a baby, I'd plan carefully for one and consider artificial insemination by someone known to me, if marriage didn't come easily or naturally.
It seems to me distasteful to glom on to the nearest man in some panic-stricken race against the clock.
Do the women really want kids or are just afraid they will miss an important life experience if they don't have them (quite true of course, but then noone experiences everything). Do they even spend time with or like kids? Are kids the only path they see to a meaningful life? Understandable because life in this society does tend toward meaninglessness. Ah well I don't know.
Trees don't grow on money
Almost any relationship can be made to work. This one seems to have more built in problems than an AMC Gremlin. So she's a "Super Christian"........Has it ever crossed your mind that she has posted a thread on a Christian website that reads...."How to Convince my boyfriend he needs to become a Christian, live in the Suburbs and father my three children."
Who is trying to change who?
Ultralight, you're starting to remind me of a boy who was pursuing my daughter. They met at an activity she hadn't tried before and didn't enjoy. He was very nice to her. Because he was so nice, she said he could call her. He started showing up at activities she liked to see her, even though he clearly had no interest in them, (which we thought was sweet at first)
and then he started pressuring her to return to the original activity and go with him to see other things in which she knew she had no interest. All the while being so NICE it was hard for her to say no. When he finally told him it wan't going to work out (after he had spoiled one of her favorite fair days by following her around like a puppy hoping there would be a reward any minute for all these silly ticks it was having to do) all he could say was " but you're so pretty."
My daughter is strong and not lonely or broken, and her response was "really? That's all you've got for me? We should date because you think I'm pretty?"
If you want to do right by this woman, you should probably end it. If she is "very Christian and wouldn't go for friends with benefits". Either she believes in her heart that you are going to marry her, or you guys are already friends (who don't have a lot in common) and there will never be any benefits.
What I don't here you saying are things like "I love her.". "She makes me happy" " I am lonely/sad/miserable when we have to be apart for a long time", "she makes my life better.". "she makes ME a better person.", "she encourages and supports me in my goals and dreams.". "she shares my goal/dream/desire/interest..."
My best friend in college was a guy. We had a lot in common, we had a great time together, we were good for each other, i loved him and still do, but was not "in love" with him. we had very different life goals and he was not what I was looking for in a life partner and father of my children. He was also very attractive. I could totally have seen it going in a "friends with benefits" direction - especially on a couple of nights when he had a really bad break up and called me and I had to go over and monitor his drinking and make sure he didn't drunk dial the girl. If it would have made him feel better... But he was the kind of guy who doesn't have sex with a woman he doesn't intend to marry. So that was a hard line we never got close to. I rubbed his shoulders sometimes when they were sore from a workout, hugged him in public now and then, and that was it.
he wouldn't have been "doing right" by me by calling himself my boyfriend and keeping me from finding dh any more than he would have been "doing wrong" by me by accepting freely offered comfort if that had been his thing.
How would you feel if some other man started taking your girlfriend on the kind of dates she wants? are there things in your relationship that could continue? Are you friends with women? I ask that last because my mother never understood my best friend. She had literally never been just friends with a man. There were men she liked fine, but she only saw them socially in couple settings with my dad. For her as a single woman it had always been potential boyfriend, current boyfriend, or no interest. So I wonder if that is in your frame of reference.
Really, what is the big deal about tall? Women friends would set their Match search to a certain height. I'd go out with Peter Dinklage, I don't get it. My cousin, who has never been lucky in her search, made a profile and asked me to help. "Work is very important to me, you must have a job and a car. I love dogs. No baby mama drama!" Whole profile. I tired to suss out some interests, hobbies, books, music, movies, anything to get more sentences. Finally she said, "I like Brad Paisley." Added that and called it a day. Encouraged her to take down the tank top boob shots and just put up a picture that captures her in a funny moment and her happiness lights up her face. Boob shots stayed. The worst part was I could not get her to see that having "graduated" from HS is not what they mean about having a "graduate" degree. That stayed, so said she was a nursing assistant (nothing wrong with this) with a graduate degree (nothing wrong with this either because she just didn't understand, she wasn't trying to deceive).
I think we all see that you are really trying, doing and saying the "right" things as you perceive them. So it would seem she does not appreciate this, but it sounds like she does. Then is it the "things" you both value are not "right" for each other? Why is a super Christian woman ok with a LTR with an atheist and vice versa? Isn't this a huge deal to a super Christian person? We talked about settling and sometimes that's good enough, perhaps that is what is happening here.Originally Posted by UltraliteAngler
First thing... there is a lot to respond to on this thread, so forgive my serial posting, please. I will try to keep it concise.
Here is the interesting thing, of the two of us, you'd probably call me the more "spiritual" one (though I dislike that term as I do not believe in spirits or anything for which there is no evidence). But I am the philosophical one, the seeker. I go on meditation binges and meditate for up to an hour at a time. My minimalism is outward symbol of my inner work -- and my inner world -- which focuses on nature, friendships, relationships, and critical examination of our existence. I am fascinated by the way ancient religious folks lived their lives -- from shaman to St. Francis, as well as people like Daniel Suelo in our current age. With that said, I am technically and "Anti-theist," someone who thinks that eventually humankind needs to dissolve all religions for our mutual betterment. And sooner is better!Oh DING DING DING DING DING. DING? She's "super Christian" and you're basically atheist / agnostic? To me, "super Christian" implies that she wants to pursue a spiritual path that you think is at best unimportant and at worst (worst for the relationship, I mean) a load of nonsense. And she feels the same way about your passion for minimalism and your financial conservativism. Exactly how is that supposed to work?
For my gf, she is a fairly standard Christian. She does not go to church but still "believes" and prays. She has religious artifacts (like pics of Jesus) all around her house. She equates religiousness with morality.
Thank you for acknowledging the idea that maybe she is also trying to change me. I often feel like she would just really like me to quit with the nonsense -- my simple living, my philosophical seeking, my pursuit of that ever nebulous "truth" and just live a normative, quasi-middle class life of work, TV, passive amusements, and family life.
She has not ever tried to convert me though. I am involved very deeply in the atheist community. It is the center of my social life. I host atheist canoe trips and attend a wide variety of atheist-related events. It is clear to her that I am an ardent atheist.
The relationship seems doomed. You don't seem to like anything much about her except the way she looks. ARen't there any hot atheistic girls out there to fall in love with?
I'd show her this thread and let her go.
you can't say you didn't try, you processed this every which way but Sunday
Chicken Lady: Thank you for the insightful explanations and questions.
I do want to clarify. I do not put pressure on my gf to do anything that I like to do. I have made it clear to her that if I invite her to do something and she'd rather not, then she is free to decline. No harm; no foul, She has done so -- declining to go canoeing for instance and other such things. I told her early on I'd prefer not to be one of those couples where each person takes turns doing things they don't like in order to do things the other person does like all the time.
Also: I have joked (to myself) that if she found a "gay bff" then she could go on "dates" with him too! Win, win, win! lol
And, the vast majority of my friends are women. This has made my gf suspicious somewhat often. But she has mellowed out about it as she has met my friends here and there.
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