Difficult to love?

[Ultralight]

Ultimatums do not make for good relationships. It is not a win-win.

Compromises are not win-win. They are various quantities win-win, lose-lose, win-lose, and lose-win.
Have you ever compromised on anything?

[Ultralight]

BTW, I agree with you that my no-smoking boundary is like UL's expectation that he has a right to a minimal living space if that's important to him. I've already said that.

So why don't you call your "boundary" what it is? An ultimatum. "Either you smoke outside the home or I go nuts and maybe worse."

If you called it what it is you'd probably get some flack like I get on here.

[Ultralight]

Which brings us to this latest in the ongoing series of threads regarding your love life. Maybe it will be different next time, good luck!

I actually laughed out loud at this.

And thanks for the well wishes. I appreciate it.

[ApatheticNoMore]

of course the whole thing might work better if you didn't live together (many a minimalist argument averted anyway).

[Ultralight]

of course the whole thing might work better if you didn't live together (many a minimalist argument averted anyway).

Living together is a huge draw for me though, as I could save roughly $500+ a month on living expenses (rent and utils, etc.).

[Teacher Terry]

I compromise all the time. I have spent most of my life married so am the queen of compromise.

[Ultralight]

I compromise all the time. I have spent most of my life married so am the queen of compromise.

Then you would know compromise is not win-win. As I said, it is a combination of winning and losing.

[Ultralight]

Ya know I was thinking about my marriage (ended many years ago after 15 years). I was vegetarian, punk kid, Buddhist. My ex was meat eater, metal head and pot smoker. So we had things to work out.

I have noticed that for Normies finding a partner or spouse is pretty easy because there are so many of them. I remember going to the park on a perfect spring day a few years ago. I saw so many couples there -- almost all were Normies.

I remember thinking: "If you put them all in a big bag, shook the bag up, and then dumped them all out in different configurations they'd all still be pretty happy with their new partners because they are unremarkable people with common preferences and tastes. They all like the same sports team, the same movies, the same shows, the same music, and so on. They all do the same hobbies."

No so for the weirdos! We need to find just the right other weirdo. But since there are so few weirdos and so few just-the-right weirdos we weirdos are often tempted to date another kind of weirdo because it is like: "At least we have the mutual feeling and experience of being a weirdo in a world of Normies, right?"

Well, unfortunately that does not usually work out well either.

[catherine]

So why don't you call your "boundary" what it is? An ultimatum. "Either you smoke outside the home or I go nuts and maybe worse."

If you called it what it is you'd probably get some flack like I get on here.

There is a big difference between a boundary and an ultimatum. Believe me, I've spent a decade in Al-Anon and I know the difference.

https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-2807...tionships.html

https://vickitidwellpalmer.com/reque...ds-ultimatums/

https://www.kclanderson.com/surprisi...ary-ultimatum/

https://www.lynneforrest.com/clearin...ng-ultimatums/

https://www.affairrecovery.com/qa-wh...-and-ultimatum


I could go on and on. Google it yourself.



BTW, as I said, I "went nuts" because I was disappointed and frustrated. He did not honor my boundary (and frankly, it wasn't the first time). There are many reasons why I feel strongly about this boundary, including the fact that my mother died of emphysema, but that's irrelevant.

If you asked someone to do or not do something because it was important to you and they continued doing it or not doing it, you would be disappointed and frustrated, too.

[Ultralight]

There is a big difference between a boundary and an ultimatum. Believe me, I've spent a decade in Al-Anon and I know the difference.

https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-2807...tionships.html

https://www.kclanderson.com/surprisi...ary-ultimatum/

https://www.lynneforrest.com/clearin...ng-ultimatums/

https://www.affairrecovery.com/qa-wh...-and-ultimatum


I could go on and on. Google it yourself.

Okay, my boundary is: "No clutter in my home at all; everything must be minimized."

Hey, that was easy! Now I have a boundary instead of an ultimatum! Cool!