Hi, Valley: You know, I guess I had this strange notion that people would actually welcome the break from the gift-giving. Esp my brother and his wife. Ever since they had their son, money has been an issue and they almost split up over credit card bills, I am told.
But I guess there's no accounting for what people will do.
Thank you for your prayers. I have many people praying for me, hopefully something will change!
you can change your pants but you can't change your genes.Originally Posted by ladyinblack1964
in other words, the only one you have the power to change is yourself. Family being dysfunctional runs for generations. Some people actually thrive on chaos and craziness. Be strong. figure out what you really want.
This is exactly what the various parts of our families do, even though my DH and I opted out of gift exchanges years ago. It's fine, and it would never have occurred to me to to expect anything else. I don't care to tell others how to celebrate their holidays; to me, that would be as bad as them insisting we continue to exchange gifts.
Please do yourself a really big favor and try to remember that you can't change other people. Period. You can only change your own actions and your reactions to other people.
I also need to note that you are not alone in complaining about the act of gift exchanging, when there are really so many other, deeper issues at work here. I see this a lot here and in other forums. Family dynamics are so complicated that it's rarely ever really only about not wanting to buy a sweater for Aunt Mildred. So, having said all of that, if you really feel, for your inner peace, that you need to skip going to family gathering entirely this year, then do so. But try to accept responsibility for that decision and not blame it on your brother still giving gifts.
Best wishes to you for a peaceful December.
Kara
oknow, the best gift you can probably give those kids is to let them know that you love them and will always be there to support them, but you also need to take care of yourselves and your financial situation at the moment means you cannot afford to buy people presents. You will be showing them a different model for how to deal with finances and family ties, and they probably sorely need that. In 20 years when they are drowning in debt and looking for a way out, you may be the people they come to for advice. It won't be their parents, because they clearly are clueless.
But if you feel it is too stressful to go, then I would stay home. Or shorten the visit -- just come for the meal and let them know they can do the gift giving before you get there and no need to wait.
lhamo
"Seek out habits that help you overcome fear or inertia. Destroy those that do the opposite." Seth Godin
kara, brilliant answer. You hit every point.
All great suggestions.
My sister says the kids always want to know if we're going to be there. I find that somewhat funny since my nephew (11) almost never speaks to either me or my husband.
I just wish things didn't FEEL like they were so complicated.
I feel guilty about not wanting to go, about wanting to just stay home that day. I have been trying for years to make peace with this holiday, and it has not been working. I guess I just need to try harder.
thanks, everybody.
Well, I thought I had better update everyone on this, being that it's Xmas Eve. (Tried to log on here the other day, and got a weird message saying the server didn't exist, or something). Anyhow...
I have made just about every error I could make here. I did tell my DH numerous times I did not want to attend dinner with my family, but I guess I didn't actually "seal the deal" with him before I told them we weren't coming. So now he's upset that I "left him out of the decision." My mother says it's OK that we're not coming, but I don't believe her. My sister wants us to come for dessert (I'm a diabetic, by the way). Also, since my "Family Feud" post in the Families and Relationships forum, my sister and I had an incident that occurred that was very upsetting. I won't go into it here--it's not relevant insofar as it's not holiday related, but it has changed my feelings toward her.
I've been losing it all week; screaming at my husband at the drop of a hat; getting angry at just about anyone who says anything to me. Now my husband and I are barely speaking (not because of Xmas, specifically--that's just one of the reasons).
I keep feeling like I'm doing something "wrong" by not going to my sister's. But to recap, I don't feel like I have anything in common with them, I just saw them at Thanksgiving, I don't feel like seeing anyone or speaking to anyone. I can't remember being this angry/depressed in ages.
Once again, I tried to "make peace with the season." I tried keeping a holiday journal of things I actually LIKE about the holidays. believe it or not, there are a few things...it just didn't work. My personal issues keep getting in the way.
(((LIB))) I just wanted you to know I've read all of your updates today and feel very concerned for you. Please know that we are all holding you in our hearts and praying that things get better, one moment at a time. Sometimes that is the only way to do it. I don't know if you meditate, but try to get yourself in a physical state of peace by doing deep nasal breathing, filling your lungs fully and slowing letting the air escape, and try to let go of all the negative thoughts until you feel peace wash through you. Do it again and again if bad thoughts creep back. And please don't hesitate to call a help line again; maybe you will get somebody different that can help you better.
Please post for the next few days so we know that you are all right.
+1 from me, LadyinBlack1964, and just about everybody else here ... and I know it's corny, but sometimes turning the calendar page on a crappy year such as this has been for you will feel like a fresh start, so let me be the first to say Happy 2012 to you which I know will be better.
I'm still here...despite arguments, disagreements, etc.
This has been one rotten Christmas, I gotta tell you. Not one person in my family called us today on the phone to see if we were OK, or even to say Merry Christmas. I spent the day in bed. At least my husband and I are speaking to each other, but who knows how long before I lose my temper again? I can't keep a lid on it lately.
I don't have much hope that 2012 will be any better...but what choice do I have but to keep plodding on?
Again, I thank you all for listening to me and for being there.
P.S.
I want to take a poll here: Do you think it's "fair" to the niece and nephews, ages 15, 11, and 7, not to give them gifts? DH said it wasn't quite fair--after all, how could the 7 year old understand what "aunt and uncle have no jobs" and "money comes from jobs" mean. I wanted to clunk him over the head on that one. IMHO, it's nephew's PARENTS who need to talk to the kid about what money means--not ME. What, I'm obliged to give gifts I cannot afford because the kid doesn't understand economics?!
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