How to convince my girlfriend she does not need to go on pricey dates?

[bae]

... it's the doing it because she is "paying back" back her dates. That doesn't sound like a positive way to approach sex, that it is a debt she is offering to pay. Unless that gets her off, too.

Not being a party to the conversation, I wouldn't leap to the conclusion that it was "payback", especially given the mutually satisfying (hopefully) activities she mentioned. More of a dessert course, really.

As to screening, I get screened every month or two just because I get exposed to all sorts of icky things at work, you never know. So don't assume an initial screening is the full solution :-(

[freshstart]

Not being a party to the conversation, I wouldn't leap to the conclusion that it was "payback", especially given the mutually satisfying (hopefully) activities she mentioned. More of a dessert course, really.

As to screening, I get screened every month or two just because I get exposed to all sorts of icky things at work, you never know. So don't assume an initial screening is the full solution :-(

this is the post: One woman I met told me she spent a year or two meeting a different guy every Friday and Saturday night. She said she did not have much money but still wanted to go out. So she would let them pay her way and pay for dinner. But she'd -- and these are her words -- "let them go d*wn on me and then I'd bl*w them."

I don't think I am making a ginormous leap here that she is "paying back" because she directly is saying she wanted free dates for dinner and then said what she did. As I said, maybe she gets off on this, too. And maybe this is not where she is coming from. whatev, I concede that I do not what is in that woman's brain.

bae, you know I'm a nurse and we have both seen gross stuff, do you really think I thought I was home free being screened once? I know everything cannot be screened and the guy could show me a clean report but be out banging 3 other girls with no protection.

I am Woody Allen-ish sexually, I would run a body through an autoclave if it wouldn't kill them. He has a great quote that fits me to a T, but of course I cannot remember it.

this is NOT it: Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.

NOT it either but an old favorite: Marriage is the death of hope

someday I will actually remember the funny one

[Ultralight]

The woman I mentioned was a former sex worker too. She stripped and such on camera for a website. So I don't think that "paying back" the guy was that big of an issue. She talked about it like it was a fun, though risky, pastime.

The two STDs she caught were incurables, though not deadly ones. If she had caught the clap a couples times I may have dated her because that is easily cured. But...

The thing that really rubbed me the wrong way about this woman was when she said: "I know you're looking for a long term relationship. I have known plenty of guys like you. And I still manage to convince them to get into the back seat with me."

It was like she did not take my romantic intentions seriously.

For the record too, I bought her spring roll and bowl of pho since it was a first date. haha

Also for the record, I don't think that all "sex-positive" people are like this. I dated a self-identified "sl*t" in graduate school. We had a lovely long term relationship, very intimate; I look back on it fondly. I certainly appreciated all the "knowledge" she brought to the relationship! lol

[kib]

I'm just wondering, Ultralite: if you imagine yourself in a long term committed relationship with your current partner, do you see this situation changing? How would you implement change after setting a precedent of being responsible for these expensive dates all through your courtship? Or will you always be 100% responsible for providing a social life that you feel you can't afford, and she can? Do you see the present as a test of your interest in commitment and your interest in her, or will you need to adjust your life forever to fit this new spending pattern? Are you ok with that?

[Ultralight]

I'm just wondering, Ultralite: if you imagine yourself in a long term committed relationship with your current partner, do you see this situation changing? How would you implement change after setting a precedent of being responsible for these expensive dates all through your courtship? Or will you always be 100% responsible for providing a social life that you feel you can't afford, and she can? Do you see the present as a test of your interest in commitment and your interest in her, or will you need to adjust your life forever to fit this new spending pattern? Are you ok with that?

Do I see the situation changing? I dunno... my experience is that I change, while other people do not.

Well, my plan at this point is to cut my corners to afford these dates. If she asks for more dates or for me to foot the bill for other such things I will just say: "Hey, we agreed on this. We're sticking to it."

I don't know if this is a test. I am really just trying to get by on a day-by-day basis. Just keep her happy, ya know?

[kib]

Yep. It's just that keeping people happy can become a rather unfulfilling full time job if you don't set some rules that work for you. I think it's really sweet and admirable that you're trying to compromise, but - at least for me - asking to compromise my financial goals is a lot more sensitive than compromising in a lot of other areas. That, for me, is like asking to compromise what I want to accomplish in life. YMMV. When I said "do you see it changing", I was referring to this demand that you "be the man" in terms of providing all the cash. No doubt you and your relationship will change in many other ways you can't predict.

[Ultralight]

Yep. It's just that keeping people happy can become a rather unfulfilling full time job if you don't set some rules that work for you. I think it's really sweet and admirable that you're trying to compromise, but - at least for me - asking to compromise my financial goals is a lot more sensitive than compromising in a lot of other areas. That, for me, is like asking to compromise what I want to accomplish in life. YMMV. When I said "do you see it changing", I was referring to this demand that you "be the man" in terms of providing all the cash. No doubt you and your relationship will change in many other ways you can't predict.

Oh, I don't know if that would change. It is hard to say for many reasons. Keeping a romantic partner happy is really all I know. That is how all my romantic relationships have gone.

From what I gather, she had a couple of exes from when she was young who were unemployed chronically and such. But then she went on to date guys who were well-off, landed gentry.

[JaneV2.0]

It's a pretty shallow relationship if you can't express your fundamental position on spending. Eventually, your resentment is going to surface. If she's in it for the long haul, she certainly deserves to know how important money is to you. (It seems only reasonable to me for her to pay her fair share.)

[Ultralight]

It's a pretty shallow relationship if you can't express your fundamental position on spending. Eventually, your resentment is going to surface. If she's in it for the long haul, she certainly deserves to know how important money is to you. (It seems only reasonable to me for her to pay her fair share.)

I trade my life for money. So it is really my life that is important to me. It is not like I am some greedy capitalist or something.

And I do express my fundamental spending position to her; I have numerous times. It is not like she put duct tape over my mouth.

[kib]

So we're back to sexual gratification, are we?


Back before i met my husband, I was introduced to someone at a party with the idea that we might hit it off. He talked about his ex-girlfriend and her branching out to embrace her interests, I talked about simplicity and YMOYL and my fascination with living off grid with what I thought was cheerful enthusiasm, it was after all the philosophy behind where my whole life was headed, and after we'd been talking for a while, he scornfully said to me, "so it's all about The Life, isn't it." Ummm ... you say that like focusing on the life I want is a bad thing! Needless to say, we never did get together.